What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, looks at a child’s bond with their primary caregiver and its influence on their emotional development and future relationships. Bowlby believed this early bond was a blueprint for how individuals approach and navigate relationships. The responsiveness and consistency of a parent/caregiver’s behavior play a crucial role in shaping the child’s sense of security, trust, and emotional well-being, even into adulthood.

When a child experiences a strong, consistent bond with a loving caregiver, they are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. This means they learn to trust others, express their emotions openly, and form healthy, balanced relationships in adulthood. Securely attached individuals tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. This allows them to communicate vulnerablely, connect deeply with others, and believe the best about their “special person.”

On the other hand, if a child’s bond with their caregiver is inconsistent, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable, the child may develop an insecure attachment style. This can lead to emotional disregulation, lack of trust, and communication difficulties in future relationships. For example, a child whose parent is not consistent in their responsiveness to them or whose behaviour causes the child to feel that love is conditional on their performance may develop an anxious attachment style, where they constantly seek reassurance and fear rejection. Alternatively, a child who has an emotionally distant parent/caregiver who rarely is attuned to them and is often preoccupied with their own needs may develop an avoidant attachment style, where they struggle to be vulnerable or rely on others. A disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant attachment) is most often developed as a response to trauma when a child’s parent/caregiver, who is their only source of safety, also becomes a source of fear. This leads to behaviors that have traits of both the avoidant and the anxiously attached and sends very mixed and confusing signals (come here and go away!).

While not everyone who experiences the situations mentioned above will develop an insecure attachment style, these descriptions can help people make better sense of themselves and their emotional responses in relationships. This awareness is essential because attachment styles can impact romantic partnerships, friendships, work relationships, and even how we parent our children.

The most hopeful part of my work with clients is that shifting from insecure attachment patterns to more secure ones is possible. It is possible for people who have lived many years with insecure attachments to learn to foster healthier relationships and deeper emotional connections with themselves and others.

Common Attachment Styles in Relationships:

• Secure: Comfortable with emotions, intimacy, and healthy communication.
• Anxious: Fears abandonment, craves reassurance and may become emotionally overwhelmed.
• Avoidant: Prioritizes independence, struggles with vulnerability, and avoids emotional closeness.
• Disorganized: A mix of anxious and avoidant, leading to confusing and mixed signals (come here and go away!).

How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships

Attachment styles can shape how we connect with our romantic partners. This is most often apparent in how one communicates, manages conflict, and expresses emotional needs. It also influences how comfortable one feels with vulnerability and how one reacts when experiencing emotional distress in a relationship.

For instance, individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to be more sensitive to signs of potential rejection or abandonment. They often seek constant reassurance and closeness from their partner to alleviate their insecurities. While this is an attempt to feel secure, it can overwhelm their partner, especially if the partner has an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant individuals are more likely to pull away when they feel too emotionally overwhelmed or confined. They often prefer to work through their emotional challenges independently and prioritize independence. They may struggle to understand or meet the emotional demands of an anxious partner, leading to frustration and distance.

This mismatch between the anxious partner’s need for reassurance and the avoidant partner’s need for space can create tension and misunderstanding. The anxious partner might feel ignored or unloved when their closeness needs are unmet. In contrast, the avoidant partner may feel excluded or criticized for being emotionally unavailable. Over time, this dynamic can result in emotional burnout, resentment, and communication breakdowns. Both partners may feel frustrated, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected from each other, even though both are trying to meet their needs in the relationship.

On the other hand, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have a healthier balance between intimacy and independence. They are more comfortable expressing their needs and emotions while respecting their partner’s boundaries. This allows for more transparent communication and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, reducing the likelihood of miscommunications or emotional overwhelm. Securely attached partners are more likely to navigate conflict calmly and constructively, reinforcing trust and connection.

Understanding attachment styles and how they influence relationship behavior is essential for creating a healthy, supportive partnership. By recognizing and addressing these dynamics, couples can break the cycle of misunderstanding and work toward a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. 

Is Your Attachment Style Impacting Your Relationship?

• Secure: You’re comfortable with your emotions, and your relationship feels stable.
• Anxious: You often seek reassurance or worry about your partner’s feelings.
• Avoidant: You feel distant even when the relationship is good.
• Disorganized: You crave closeness but fear intimacy.

Recognize this Pattern?

After an argument, an anxiously attached partner typically wishes to solve the disagreement immediately. In contrast, an avoidant partner may need time to themselves. The more anxious partner (also called a pursuer in EFCT) continues to try to resolve the disagreement. In contrast, the more avoidant partner (a withdrawer in EFCT) repeatedly tries to get space or end the conversation. This further causes the couple to clash, and neither partner’s needs can be met.

Partner A: Do you love me? (Accusing tone.)

Partner B: Of course I do. How many times have I told you?

Partner A: Well, it doesn’t feel like it. (Tears, looks down, turns away.)

Partner B: (Sighs, exasperated.) Well, maybe you have a problem then. I can’t help it if you don’t feel loved. (Set mouth, lecturing tone.)

Partner A: Right. So it’s my problem, is it? Nothing to do with you, right? Nothing to do with your ten feet thick walls. You’re an emotional cripple. You’ve never felt a real emotion in your life.

Partner B: I refuse to talk to you when you get like this. So irrational. There is no point.

Partner A: Right. This is what always happens. You put up your wall. You go icy. Till I get tired and give up. Then, after a while, when you want sex, you decide that I am not quite so bad after all.

Partner B: There is no point in talking to you. This is a shooting gallery. You’re so aggressive.

*from Dr. Sue Johson’s book Hold Me Tight

Recognize Yourself?

Examples of Attachment Styles in Relationships:

Do you find yourself…

Comfortable with expressing your emotions/needs?

Trusting that your relationship is stable and strong?

Being able to balance both independence and closeness?

You likely have a secure attachment style.

Constantly seeking reassurance?

Assuming the worst?

Being overly preoccupied with your partner’s feelings and behaviors?

You likely have an anxious attachment style.

Struggling to be vulnerable?

Feeling distant or wanting distance, even when the relationship is good?

Prioritizing independence?

You likely have an avoidant attachment style.

Seeking closeness but also afraid of intimacy?

Not trusting others?

Feeling confused or overwhelmed?

You likely have a disorganized attachment style.

EFCT: A Path to a Healthier Relationship

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps partners understand and manage emotions, strengthening bonds. Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT focuses on recognizing, expressing, and transforming emotions to create lasting change. It’s especially effective for couples with insecure attachment styles.

The Goals of EFCT:

Like any therapeutic approach, EFCT has specific goals:

1. To Gain Awareness: “What do I long for when acting like this?” “What is the primary (more vulnerable emotion) I feel right now?” “What was the trigger (what happened right before I felt or reacted this way)

2. Encourage More Clear Expression of Needs:  “When this happens, inside I feel (name of primary emotion). I recognize when I feel this way, sometimes I (protective emotional strategy). It would help me if you could/we could (healthy emotional response).

3. To Create greater Emotional Responsiveness, the partner:

✔ Acknowledges the emotion (“I hear you… you’re feeling anxious and unsure.”)

✔ Offers reassurance (“You haven’t done anything wrong.”)

✔ Reaffirms the connection (“How can I be there for you?”)

4. Repair From Attachment Injuries (A betrayal of trust/abandonment at a crucial moment of need.)

EFCT can help foster the development of a secure attachment style. An anxious partner can learn to self-soothe, while an avoidant partner can learn to express vulnerability. Throughout this process, partners can learn to meet and understand each other’s emotional needs. EFCT has proven helpful in identifying and stopping the negative cycle associated with differing attachment styles that may be causing conflicts within interpersonal relationships.