What “Can You Keep a Secret?” Teaches Us About Secure Attachment

Here are two things you should know about me: first, I don’t watch much TV — but when I do, it’s almost always a rom-com or one of those delightfully predictable Hallmark-style movies. Second, sometimes I just can’t help it — my therapist brain switches on.

So when I was scrolling through Prime Video the other night and stumbled across Can You Keep a Secret?, you know it was an easy choice. A little light, a little cheesy, and full of the kind of emotional content that makes my therapist brain perk up.

When Anxious Attachment Strategies Show Up

Emma is a great example of an anxious attachment. When she feels afraid, she doesn’t turn inward to soothe herself — she reaches outward for comfort and reassurance, even if it’s from someone she barely knows. That moment on the plane, when turbulence hits and she starts spilling every personal secret to the stranger beside her, is a perfect snapshot of how anxious attachment shows up under stress.

People with anxious attachment often feel a deep need for connection and reassurance, especially when they sense rejection, distance, or danger. They may cling, overshare, or seek closeness quickly — not because they’re dramatic or needy, but because their nervous system is wired to find safety in closeness.

That moment of sharing gets Emma through the plane ride — her fear softens, her body relaxes, and she feels momentarily connected and safe. But when she realizes that the stranger she’s confided in is actually the CEO of her company, she’s hit with what Brené Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover” — that mix of shame and panic that can follow after we’ve shared more of ourselves than we intended.

For someone with an anxious attachment pattern, that swing from relief to regret can be intense. The very openness that brought comfort now feels like a source of shame or exposure. It captures a familiar experience for many anxiously attached individuals — seeking closeness to ease distress, then feeling panicked about having been “too much” once the storm passes.

The Emotional Withdrawer

The tension in the film builds when Jack accidentally reveals Emma’s intimate secrets in a TV interview, leaving her humiliated and exposed. While her roommate is busy plotting revenge, Emma begins to notice something deeper — that despite everything she’s shared, she actually knows almost nothing about Jack. He’s kept his own life carefully guarded, revealing very little of himself.

From a therapist’s lens, Jack Harper’s secret-keeping isn’t about arrogance or indifference — it’s the move of an emotional withdrawer. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we use this term to describe someone who stays guarded or rational when emotions run high.

It’s not that emotional withdrawers don’t feel deeply; it’s that they haven’t had experiences teaching them that sharing their inner world is safe or helpful. At one point, Jack admits he has a hard time trusting people because they’ve always let him down — so he’s learned to keep his emotions private.

Earned Secure Attachment

In attachment theory, we talk about earned secure attachment — what happens when someone who didn’t grow up with consistent safety or emotional attunement later develops those capacities through healing experiences, often in therapy or through supportive, emotionally responsive relationships.

It’s called earned because it’s developed through intentional growth, reflection, and corrective emotional experiences — not inherited or automatic.

It’s not that traces of old attachment patterns disappear — the fears, the instincts to shut down or cling — but someone with earned secure attachment has learned to recognize and regulate these responses. They can talk about emotions with more balance, offer empathy to others, and stay connected even when relationships feel uncertain.

As the story unfolds, Jack’s calm, grounded energy becomes an emotional anchor for Emma. When she feels awkward or self-conscious, Jack listens. He doesn’t rush to fix her — he’s simply there.

Jack doesn’t try to get Emma to be less emotional; he meets her with presence. That safety helps her regulate herself — and eventually, she learns to trust that love doesn’t disappear when she’s authentic.

And that’s one of the simplest but most powerful hallmarks of a securely attached relationship:You can bring your full self — messy, nervous, vulnerable — and still feel accepted.

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When You’re Loved, Flaws and All

There’s a line near the end of Can You Keep a Secret? that makes my therapist heart happy. Emma says:

“My whole life I always based my value on what other people thought of me. I met you, and I told you everything about me. I told you all my secrets, and you didn’t leave. Even though you knew all my goofiness and my weirdness and all my fears and insecurities… you didn’t leave. I didn’t know anything about you, but it didn’t matter, because I knew your heart. You made me believe that I could be loved just by being myself.”

That perfectly describes what secure attachment feels like — to be completely known, flaws and all, and still feel loved and accepted.

When we’re securely attached, we don’t have to keep proving our worth or hide the parts of ourselves we fear are “too much” or “not enough.” Love becomes a place of safety, not performance.

That’s the transformation Emma experiences — she moves from chasing approval to allowing herself to be seen. The miracle isn’t that Jack loves her; it’s that she finally believes she’s lovable, even when she’s fully herself.

That’s the heartbeat of secure attachment:
Being known, being accepted, and realizing that love doesn’t disappear when you show up as the real you.

From Protection to Connection

By the end of the movie, we see a shift in Jack too. He walks to the back of the plane where Emma is seated and finally begins to open up. As the plane takes off, he admits that he’s deeply afraid of flying.

And what does Emma do? She responds to this reach. She holds him, kisses him, and says, “Keep talking.”

That moment captures what emotional safety feels like — Emma helping him ride out his fear, but not alone.

That’s the essence of secure attachment: emotions met with empathy instead of judgment. Both partners feel safe to be vulnerable, to be themselves, and to know they are loved as they are.

 “Too Much” and “Not Enough”

One of the reasons I appreciate the model of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is that it invites clients to walk into painful emotions they’ve worked hard to avoid, so those emotions can finally heal.

In Stage 2 of EFT, once the negative cycle has been de-escalated, we explore how early experiences shaped people’s views of themselves and others.

Maybe you learned that emotions were “a problem,” and that being emotional made you too much for others — so you learned to stay cheerful or quiet to keep the peace. Over time, you began to believe that vulnerability drives people away.

Or perhaps every time you turned to someone for comfort, you were belittled or ignored. Your nervous system learned there was no safety in reaching for another, so you taught yourself to manage alone.

We carry these working models of ourselves and others — often formed in childhood — into adult relationships. Humans are resourceful and resilient; we find ways to cope, even if those strategies aren’t always healthy or helpful. When these old wounds show up in adult love, they often fuel the negative cycles that distressed couples get stuck in.