by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Aug 7, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships
“Why can’t we comminicate”? This is one of the most common concerns that couples cite when they begin counselling with me. In recent weeks, as restrictions ease and and certain pre-lock down activities resume, like-going to restaurants, working out, visiting friends and travelling around the “Maritime bubble”, I’ve had many couples tell me they are arguing more often as they to navigate their differing comfort levels.
Daily, there are questions like; should we eat out or cook at home? Do I work out at the gym or in the basement? Will we attend the family reunion? Is it safe to send our kids back to school?
One partner might have a chronic or acute illness and be at risk for complications from the virus.
Maybe one partner has parents who are older and more vulnerable and feels more apprehensive about increasing social interactions.
Or, perhaps one partner prefers the quiet, slower pace enforced by the pandemic, and doesn’t long to return to their pre-pandemic hustle and bustle.
However, if the other partner craves social connection with others or longs to return to their pre-lockdown routine as closely as possible, this can cause friction in the relationship as the couple seeks to adapt to new realities.
For many couples, these daily routines and decisions had long been addressed. They feel surprised and frustrated by the increase in conflict and poor communication, now that the answers to these questions may no longer seem so clear.
While our present circumstances certainly provide plenty of content for disagreements, any number of topics can be at the heart of a couple’s failure to communicate. Some of the most common topics that couples cite are; sex, finances, kids, in-laws and how much time to spend together.
What Creates a Communication Breakdown?
Why can these particular topics cause communication breakdown so frequently? Kyle Benson, one of my favourite relationship bloggers, says that it’s because they are “issues that are sensitive to our heart-typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship. These issues are often called triggers. Triggers are emotional buttons that we all possess, and when these buttons are pushed, it brings up certain feelings in us and we react accordingly.”
When we are triggered, we lose sight of the impact we have on our partner and the importance of our relationship. We get caught in emotional reactivity, because, according to psychologist and relationship expert Sue Johnson, “our brain codes moments of disconnection in love relationships as a threat.”
The way that our brains react to threatening or dangerous situations is for our amygdala to trigger the fight/flight/freeze response and to prepare the body for an emergency by flooding it with adrenalin and cortisol.
Why Can’t We Communicate Effectively?
Sometimes, under increased emotional stress, people turn down the emotional intensity by turning away from their partners and keep their emotions to themselves. This makes it hard for their partners to understand what they are going through or to provide support.
Other times, people become more reactive and their emotions bubble over. They express their intense feelings by turning against their partner in anger, frustration and criticism.
Bottling up or bubbling over with emotion directed at your partner can create a negative cycle where an argument escalates quickly, leaving both people feeling even more frustrated, confused and alone.
When couples get stuck in this negative cycle they rarely get a chance to deal with the underlying issues, but rather get caught in communication break down.
Even couples who typically communicate well, can experience a communication break down when there are many difficult decisions to make, if emotions are running high or are going through situations that are stressful.
When these moments of disconnection happen often and communication seems to be increasingly difficult, people begin to feel that there are real problems in their relationship.
Learning how to have difficult conversations and to repair when things go off track, will allow you handle relationship stress more effectively and lead to feeling closer in your relationship .
How to Have A More Productive Conversation
1. First, on your own, identify the specific scenario that brought up your strong feelings. What was it that your partner did/said? What specific behaviours or body language got under your skin? What exactly were you reacting to?
2. Then identify the worst, most negative thoughts you have about your partner, yourself or the relationship that arose in that moment as a result of the interaction. (ie. “You don’t care about me”, “You don’t take my needs seriously”, “You’re trying to control me”, “Our relationship won’t survive this”).
3. Next, choose from the list of emotions here and pick the word(s) that best describe what you are feeling in these moments.
4. Ask yourself; do you show theses feelings or express them in a clear way to your partner? If not, what feelings do you usually express to them? Often it’s anger, frustration or no feelings at all.
5. Later, after the emotional intensity has passed, when you are both able to engage in conversation. Have each person take a turn sharing with the other about what happened to them during the ‘rocky moment’.
“When you stopped talking and looked at your phone when I was trying to tell you about how nervous I was to send Johnny back to school this fall, I felt like you didn’t care about me or take my concerns seriously. I felt really afraid and alone.”
6. Listen attentively to the other person’s experience, accept how you contributed to their distress, even if unintentional, and explore how you can be there for them.
Is It Possible to Improve Communication In Our Relationship?
Once a couple discovers what their triggers are, and works out a way to successfully communicate their thoughts and feelings with each other, they will begin to have more productive conversations. This help them to see their partner as more accessible, engaged and responsive to them and ultimately feel more statisfied with the communication in the relationship.
As a couple learns what each others vulnerabilities and sensitivities are, they can learn to soothe each others ‘raw spots’. This will bring them closer together and make each person feel more safe and secure as the trust within the relationship deepens.
If you’ve been struggling with relationship communication breakdowns and you just haven’t been able to work out your issues, marriage & couples counselling can be very helpful. I invite you to reach out for a free 15 minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, to help get your relationship back on track.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 28, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Grief, Relationships
4 Ways Relationships Might Change When Facing Grief
Experiencing the death of a loved one is often the biggest challenge a person faces. Grieving can feel overwhelming and consume every facet of your life. It is during this time that you need the comfort of others the most, and yet social connections often feel strained or flipped upside-down as you navigate grief and relationships.
Here are four ways relationships can shift when you are trying to navigate the loss of a loved one:
1. Your Support System May Surprise You
You may be surprised who steps up in your greatest hour of need. Some of your closest loved ones, those who have been by your side through dating and childbirth and other life dilemmas, may not be able to be there for you during your bereavement. It is often people you’d least expect who show up to hold your hand while you grieve. An old friend you’ve lost touch with, a co-worker you’ve hardly spoken to but who understands the complexities of living with death… these are sometimes the people who help the hurt go away.
2. You Will Feel Angry – And That’s Okay
You will try and understand why your closest friends and relatives seem to have abandoned you during one of the most painful times in your life. But understanding won’t make the pain of it go away.
Yes, it’s important to realize that not everyone can cope with death and loss, including the people closest to you. It’s also important to recognize that feeling this additional pain, and even anger and resentment about feeling abandoned, is totally normal and okay.
3. People Will Avoid You
Losing loved ones is something all of us will go through, but some people cannot handle this reality. Just the thought of a loved one dying is more than many people can bear. Seeing your pain and sitting with you in your time of darkness will force others to look this stark reality in the face. Many people simply can’t do it. If you find that friends and relatives seem to be avoiding you, understand it is most likely because they cannot handle their own fears of loss.
4. You Will Have Something in Common with Others
For most people, it’s hard to understand certain things until they experience it themselves: Having children, running a marathon, getting divorced. Losing a loved one is certainly on this list as well. While your current group of loved ones will try to empathize with you, the reality is that you now belong to a special club and those who you feel close to and understood by may change.
This does not mean you will no longer feel close to those you did before the loss, but it means you have now changed and how you perceive the world and others has changed as well.
Relationships are hard, and they can be more difficult during periods of loss and grief. It’s important that you are gentle with yourself during this time and seek help. Consider joining a support group. Being around those who share your pain firsthand can be a comfort during this time.
You may also want the guidance of a therapist who can help you navigate your complex emotions and offer tools to work through your grief.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 28, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Grief
Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things a person faces
The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with.
Everyone Mourns Differently
The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because grief is so personal, each person reacts differently to the death of a loved one; your instinct may be to reach out and connect, and the instinct of your friend or relative may be to retreat, distract themselves with work or hobbies or shut down.
Your relationship with the deceased was a unique one, so the process in which you grieve the loss will also be unique and personal to you. The close friends and family that you would expect to be there for you in one of the most challenging times of your life may not be present in the way you’d hoped or anticipated. Even your spouse or partner may not provide the comfort you’d expect.
Relationships Impacted by Grief Will Change
Although it’s disappointing and hurtful to experience what feels like a breakdown in your relationships when you need them the most, you must realize that your friends, family and spouse are likely also affected by grief, and going through their own process of mourning.
It’s also important not to rely solely on your spouse for comfort. It’s healthier for both of you, and will ease the stress on your marriage, if you have other people to turn to for help.
The impact of grief is an incredible strain on your existing relationships, as who you are as a person is temporarily altered as you struggle to cope with the loss and find a way to move forward. Your close friends and loved ones may have difficulty coping with how you’re mourning, causing them to pull away temporarily. They could also be very used to seeing you as a source of strength, and a pillar, and seeing you in this vulnerable state (in addition to possibly dealing with their own grief) is more than they can bear.
Seek Out New Sources of Support
Maintaining relationships takes effort, and they’re vulnerable to the difficulties we face as we move through life. You may need to turn to distant family members, other friends or acquaintances, make new connections through bereavement groups or seek professional help from a mental health counselor to find solace and understanding.
Although we can expect bereavement to change our relationships, we can also expect some semblance of normalcy as everyone affected copes with the loss over the passage of time. By forgiving friends or loved ones who weren’t there for you as you dealt with your grief, you can re-establish lost connections.
If you’re having difficulty with your relationships as you grieve and need some understanding and guidance, please give me a call and we can set up an appointment to talk.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 25, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Issues for Women, Relationships, Sexual Health
A healthy sex life is important to create a full and happy life
Every person has essential human needs. When we don’t get those needs met, our mental and sometimes physical health can suffer as a result. When we think of fundamental human needs, food, shelter, and water come to mind. However, a healthy sex life is also an important component to create a full and happy life for many people.
While it’s not physically or psychologically unhealthy for someone to live an asexual or celibate life, for people that crave the intimacy of a sexual relationship, a healthy sex life is a vital part of a full and happy life. Sex is not only part of a fulfilling life for many people, it also supports good mental health in many ways.
Four Ways a Healthy Sex Life Improves Your Mental Health
1. Boosts Serotonin
Low serotonin can cause you to be unable to create or act on plans and strategies. If you have low serotonin, you might have difficulty finishing tasks. You might also become easily agitated, feel a bit down in the dumps, or be unable to control your impulses.
Sex boosts serotonin, which helps improve your mood and fight off depression. Additionally, one of the hormones released during orgasm is serotonin, leaving you feeling soothed from stress and anxiety.
2. Boosts Self Esteem
A lack of sex can be harmful, causing your self-worth and confidence to plummet. When you have sex, the feelings of intimacy with your partner, as well as feeling nurtured and desired boosts your self-confidence and overall well-being.
3. Leads to Better Sleep
Sex also improves how you sleep. It’s very common to fall asleep after sex because your body releases prolactin, a hormone that helps you feel rested and relaxed. The orgasm also releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes sleep. Since a lack of sleep can worsen a mental health disorder, or increase your risk for developing one, better sleep promotes a healthier, more refreshed you.
4. Makes you happy
The cuddling and physical intimacy of sex also gives a boost to your happiness. Endorphins are one of the many chemicals released in the brain during sex. Endorphins are the neurotransmitters associated with the feeling of happiness, causing your mood to brighten overall as it helps lift depression.
Are you struggling with depression or anxiety and looking for guidance and support? A licensed therapist can help you find ways to boost your mood, and work with you to develop a plan to improve your quality of life. Call my office today, and let’s set up a time to talk.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Mar 27, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Relationships, Women's Issues
Last week, my husband went shopping at the Superstore. Somehow while he was gone, I came across a video about wiping down produce and containers brought home from the grocery store.
It was late when he got home, and I was already in bed, but I wasn’t too tired to mention my thoughts about wiping down the watermelon in the fridge.
My husband kindly offered to help, even though this is not something he would have done without my prompting.
His responsiveness helped us to avert what could have been a late night anxiety fuelled disagreement.
Fast forward to a few days later when he got an email from the Superstore telling him to monitor himself for symptoms as a staff member had been diagnosed with COVID-19.
Now we’re both feeling relieved.
Under the strain and stress of our current circumstances, many couples are getting stuck in distance, disagreements and hostility.
The pressure of having kids at home while simultaneously needing to school them, be productive at work and keep up with household tasks is a recipe for increased tension.
Add to this, the uncertainty and financial tensions that this pandemic has caused and the anxiety of falling ill, and many couples feel pushed to the brink.
According to recent news, the COVID-19 pandemic has been hard on relationships. I read this week that divorce rates in China rose significantly once the quarantine was lifted, and while there could be many factors contributing to this statistic, doubt, living in tight quarters under stressful conditions played a part.
Even couples who have a decent relationship, might find that things feels strained over the next few months. Thankfully, stress and strain don’t have to push the two of you apart. There are some evidence-based habits that can help you and your partner navigate the unknown as you both adjust to this ‘new normal’.
1) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotions
Truth is, most of us are feeling a little messed up right now. Whether it is the uncertainty of your financial situation, the pressures of working out of a makeshift office indefinitely while your kids bicker in the background or the grief of missing out on events you can’t attend or activities you can’t participate in, all of us are facing a certain amount of emotional upheaval.
Yet, the strange thing is, no matter how much we love our spouse, when we feel anxious, overwhelmed or irritable we often take it out on them.
When our emotions are heightened, our vulnerable feelings can comes out as anger and frustration. We argue over details about about kids and scheduling or opinions about hand hygiene rather than having a more vulnerable conversation.
If we remain disconnected from our own emotional experience and show our more reactive emotions to our spouse, rather than acknowledging what is really going on for us, it’s unlikely we will get the connection and support we need.
Take the time you need for self-care. Try some strategies to manage anxiety and worry more effectively. Enter into your conversations with loved ones with an open heart.
2) Be Present
Two is better than one, is more than just a pithy saying; connection with someone we are close to literally makes difficult tasks seem less daunting. In this study, researchers found that study participants estimated a hill to be less high if they were with (or imagining being with) a close supportive other.
It’s fascinating; rejection and isolation are coded in our brains in the same way as physical pain. By the same token, loving responsiveness from a loved one is soothing to our nervous system and helps us to find our sense of emotional balance. Hand holding has even been shown in fMRI studies to make the pain from a shock less painful. Emotional connection with a safe loved other soothes our nervous system and gives us the perspective of obstacles being less hard to climb.
Look for ways that you can can connect, even briefly, to be present for each other in the midst of this chaos.
Can you still have coffee together before parting ways to your own separate parts of the house for your work day?
Or send each other jokes by text?
Go for a walk together before dinner?
Simply being in the same space as your partner is not the same as being present with them. When your partner comes to talk or ask for support, be sure to respond. Put your phone down or turn off the TV. Hold hands. Tune into to what they are saying.
3) Be Responsive
Sue Johnson, a leading couples therapy expert and creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy says that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks relationships.
Being able to identify and speak our needs directly in a way that helps our partner to lovingly respond, is an important part of a healthy relationship.
I truly felt cared about and slept much better because my husband responded to my late night request to wipe down fruit.
In tight quarters, under emotional strain, it can be more difficult to be tuned into the needs of our significant other. But doing your best to be responsive to them will undoubtedly go a long way to improving your ‘togetherness’ in this crisis.
How can you be responsive to your partner?
Sit and truly listen without going to a fix-it response?
Offer a hug?
Ask them what they most need from you?
I believe that this can be a time for you and your spouse to learn to relate to each other differently and grow stronger as a couple through this weird and unexpected time.
*If you are experiencing intimate partner violence or feel unsafe in your relationship please use this link to reach out for help.*
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Mar 20, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, General
When you first fell in love, you could never imagine that someday the sound of your partner chewing could make you want to scream. It’s inevitable that once we are out of our honeymoon phase and reality sets in, we realize that all relationships take work and compromise. But while some couples may hit bumps in the road every so often, other couples find themselves in bigger trouble, with neither party knowing exactly how to fix things.
If you are in a relationship that is no longer feeling healthy, here are 5 warning signs that it may be time to try couples counseling:
1. There is No Longer Healthy Communication
Once you have a communication breakdown, you are unable to rationally share thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Beyond this, unhealthy communication tends to leave one or both partners feeling depressed, angry and hopeless.
2. Trust Has Been Broken
When there has been infidelity, it is very difficult for the couple to rebuild trust and repair the damage. While there is no magic pill to recover from an affair, a therapist can offer tools and strategies to rebuild trust.
3. You’re More Like Roommates
If you and your partner act more like roommates than romantic partners, this indicates a lack of intimacy and a potential need for professional help.
4. One or Both of You Has Begun Acting Out
You try to mask your real feelings for as long as possible, but then you start to act out the hurt and resentment you may be feeling. For instance, if your partner has been unfaithful and you have agreed to stay in the relationship and work things out. But over time you find yourself lashing out, acting rude and trying to make them believe you are having an affair so they will feel the same kind of hurt. This acting out is unhealthy for both people and is a BIG indicator you need to seek some help.
5. When the Only “Solution” Seems to be Separation/Divorce
A break from negative energy can be very helpful to the relationship. But among couples who have filed for divorce, as many as 40 percent are “mixed agenda” meaning one partner still hoping to save the marriage.
Additionally, up to 40 percent of divorced people have regrets about deciding on divorce, often because they feel they (and their partner) didn’t try hard enough to make the marriage work.
Thankfully, couples counselling can help you and your partner look at all of your options for your marriage or relationship before you commit to a path forward. I have taken specialized training from the Doherty Relationship Institute to help couples in this situation.
If after reading this you feel that you’d benefit from some additional support with your relationship, reach out. Even though we cannot meet face to face right now, online couples counselling is easy to access and effective. I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.
