How Not to Lose Your Mind (as often) With Your Kids This Summer

How Not to Lose Your Mind (as often) With Your Kids This Summer

by | Jul 24, 2020 | Anxiety, Emotions, Issues for Women, Motherhood, New Mother, Parenting, Stress & Coping

Ah, summer!

What is it about warmer weather, less structure to your days and time off work with the kids that seems like it might decrease your stress as a mom?

For weeks,  you couldn’t wait for ‘online learning’ to stop,  after what felt like an eternity of struggling to balance work and school (I bet that you appreciate teachers 1000x more after that!).

Just thinking about summer vacation made your heart feel light, imagining all the fun you’d have.

Lemonade on the deck, days at the beach, picking berries in the Annapolis Valley.

But truth is, after a couple of weeks, you’re over it! You feel just as stressed by the cooking, cleaning and juggling of kids in the summer months as you did over the school year.  

But, no wonder! Summer can still be stressful!

You would think that kids who had been shuttled around all year to various programs and activities and had been stuck mainly indoors doing school work for the last 9 months would love some downtime. But, no.

Noooo.

My kids beg to play video games, watch TV, get on their siblings nerves, pick fights and tattle on each other and plead to go to Chicken Little for ice cream. Daily.

This year, because your kids have already been cooped up at home for the past 4 months, your patience is worn thin. Some days it feels as though your teetering on the edge of sanity, trying not to lose your s*&t!

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Life as a Mom is Tough

It’s only 8 am and already you’ve been up for hours because someone peed the bed in the early hours of the morning and you couldn’t fall back to sleep.

You haven’t had your morning coffee yet because someone else is melting down over their unicorn t-shirt being in the wash. To make matters worse, you’ve run out of milk for your cereal.

You had hoped to get some exercise in this morning, but your plans have been derailed. You are tired and keeping it together when you’ve got a million balls to juggle can feel practically impossible.

 

Mom stress is real!

The Impact of Mom Stress

You might be familiar with the horrible feeling that floods your body in moments of high stress; like when your kids are melting down and you’re trying to get them out the door.

Maybe you hear your voice change-my kids joke that they know that I am about to lose it when I start using proper grammar and big words as I internally struggle not to come unglued.

And, if you don’t catch yourself, words will come rushing out like toothpaste out of a tube; impossible to put back.

Mom meltdowns leave you feeling terrible about how you’ve handled the situation.

As crappy as the situation was, your behaviour has left you feeling much worse.

Why is it so hard to keep my cool when I’m stressed?

Dear frustrated and stressed mom, I want you to know that this reaction is not because you are a terrible person. Or because you are any more flawed than the rest of us.

Making sense of this reaction by understanding how your brain and body work can help you to stop beating yourself up (you are human, after all) and have hope that you can learn to handle things in new ways.

Here is a brief explanation; Our brains and nervous systems respond with a stress response which is sometimes called fight/flight/freeze when we are experiencing a ‘threat’.

You might be surprised to learn that our brains don’t have a separate pathway to handle the emotional ‘threat’ of mom chaos compared to the physical ‘threat’ of a car speeding towards you.

Either way, when your nervous system becomes aware, consciously or unconsciously, that something bad is going down, or at least might be, your amygdala sends a signal that activates your sympathetic nervous system and your body gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.

Physiologically, you are primed to dart out of the way of that speeding car, but the reality is you need to keep your cool while you wipe up a full glass of milk that has been spilled all over the table and is dripping down onto the floor, when you are already 5 minutes late to get out the door.

Now, your body that was already experiencing a stress response because you were running late, has just gotten all jacked up again with a fresh flood of stress hormones after the milk spilled.

All that energy has to go somewhere…..and if you don’t get a hold of yourself so you just might come unhinged.

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How do I Stop Losing It so Often?

One of the best ways to have a chance at getting a grip on yourself in those chaotic scenes, is to start recognizing your triggers and addressing them pro-actively.

What are triggers?

Carla Naumburg, a clinical social worker and author of one of my new favourite books How to Stop Losing Your s*&it with Your Kids defines triggers as “anything that makes it more likely that you’re going to lose your shit with your kids.” These can include stress, insecurities, big feelings, or distractions.

She states that some of the most common triggers are;

-Chronic exhaustion
-Anxiety
-Multitasking
-Smartphones and social media
-Major life changes

Identifying and figuring out how to deal with your triggers is critical to getting a hold of yourself, so that you don’t flip out on your kids.

I challenge you this week to make a list of your triggers and what you can do to address each one.

I’ll share some of mine…..

A messy house – how can families with kids have a tidy house? It’s never going to happen! Remind myself to take a deep breath, ask for help from the kids and chill out if a cushion is out of place or there’s socks on the floor.

Lack of quiet time – I try to have a nice hot bubble bath or even a long hot shower every day with no kids around and if I’m really lucky even take a book to read in the bath! Finding quiet time even 5 minutes alone a day is key to sanity.

An overbooked life – Just say no! If I have too much going on, I try to reprioritize and let things go.

Mealtimes – meal planning at the start of every week for the week.

Noise – all houses with kids must be noisy, right? If the kids reach the point that they are getting louder than I can manage, go do ‘quiet activities’ with them or go outside with them.

Disorganization- write things down, keep a diary or daily journal so I know when and where I need to be. Leave extra time before and after because kids can drag their feet and take an age to do anything.

Here is a journaling page for you to help you start looking at your mom stress by giving you a place to record some of your triggers and possible solutions.

Come back for part two of this blog series and I’ll give you some practical, in-the-moment things you can do to get a grip when you are about to lose it.

After all, there is no way to avoid the nervous system response to a ‘threat’, but you can learn to handle it differently.

You’re a Fake: Impostor Syndrome and What You Can Do About It

You’re a Fake: Impostor Syndrome and What You Can Do About It

by | Apr 30, 2020 | Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Issues for Women, Self-Esteem, Women's Issues

If you struggle with feeling like you’re a fake,  feeling less worthy than other people or criticizing yourself for mistakes, you may be feeling what is called impostor syndrome.

Maybe you’re familiar with the anxiety that shows up when you start to wonder how long it will take before someone “catches on to you”. You can’t help but feel like you “have them all fooled”, but are convinced that before long someone will realize that you are not as competent as they had believed.

If this has been your experience, you are not alone. An estimated 70% of people struggle with this at some point in their lives according to this article in the International Journal of Behavioural Science.

WHAT IS IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Impostor syndrome, is not really a syndrome or a medical diagnosis, but you’ve likely heard of this phenomena.  These painful thoughts and emotions often lead people strive for perfection, set unrealistic goals and feel paralyzed by negative judgements and self-doubt. 

It was initially defined by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s.  Through this work, Clance noticed that struggling with profound feelings of self-doubt  can lead to anxiety and low self-confidence. 

In a more recent book, Unlocking Your Authentic Self, the author Jennifer Hunt, notes that “people with impostor syndrome under value and under appreciate their own skills and talents”  

Women (and men!) who struggle with impostor syndrome may feel like they are always wearing a mask and hiding their more authentic selves. 

Valerie Young, author of “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women” notes that people who struggle with impostor syndrome can have trouble putting their thoughts and feelings into perspective.  They magnifying their view of  themselves and their mistakes and fail to recognizing that others make them, too. 

To make things worse, people who struggle this kind on negative self-judgement will also attribute often their successes to luck or other factors beyond their control.

Talk about a no win situation!

In her work with people struggling with impostor syndrome, Young created a ‘rule book’,  helping people to identify the unconscious rules in their mind that they hold themselves to in order to feel competent. These rules tend to begin with “should,” “always,” or “never.”

Which of these ‘rules’ do you identify with?

 

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These rigid rules and fixed ways of responding can keep us stuck in unworkable, draining behaviours.  These behaviours persist, because in the short term they serve a function; perhaps they decrease our anxiety or silence our inner critic.  However, in the long term they lead us to increased emotional pain and exhaustion.

Wonder if you are experiencing Impostor Syndrome?  ,

Take the quiz here .

HOW TO COPE WITH IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Feelings of never being good enough and not measuring up not only impact the workplace, but can spill over in to your relationships and home life.  A 2019 study published by the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology found that employees who experience persistent thoughts of feeling like a fake were emotionally drained and struggled to maintain family and work demands, even though they were highly accomplished individuals.  

This is because it is emotionally exhausting and discouraging to feel stuck struggling to measure up.  rapped in this way of thinking and judging yourself,ese unworkable ways of responding, you can easily become exhausted, discouraged and stuck.  There is evidence pointing to a connection between impostor syndrome and burnout, and in my work with women at my counselling practice, I see this happening for many women; from stay-at-home moms to all kinds of professions .  

1)Notice how you feel  

According to Dr. Jennifer Hunt, people that struggle with impostor syndrome may have a harder time with emotion regulation.  She states that people internalize their emotions and believe them to be 100% true rather than recognizing them as temporary and changeable.  They may be prone to holding onto thoughts and feelings from the past, overthinking, forecasting into the future.  

This reminds me of ‘The Sushi Train’ metaphor by Russ Harris. 

The better we get a noticing our emotions, naming them and allowing them to come and go in their own good time, the less emotional energy we expend on trying to fix or get rid and the less impact they have on us. 

Try: Keeping a journal to help you connect your thoughts, emotions, body sensations and how you have been coping with them.  Here is a journalling page to get you started.

2)Notice your Inner Critic

When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.

Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.

Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.

Give it Attention

That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.

Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.

Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.

You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.

4) Face the REAL Reality

Are you someone that generalizes your self-criticisms? By that I mean, do you make generalities about yourself such as, “I’m an idiot,” when you make a mistake? The truth is, we all make mistakes from time-to-time, and this mistake does not make you an idiot.  The sum of who you are is greater than this mistake. 

If you’re going to work on stepping out from the grip of impostor syndrome, you need to first recognize that you might be keeping yourself stuck with these generalities.

To see this more clearly, make a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses.

When you’re done making this list, ask yourself if any of these things are true about you 100% of the time.  I bet not.  Remind yourself that these are behaviours you can choose to engage in (or not) but they don’t define you.  That way, you can choose to respond more flexibly rather than out of these generalities. 

4) Practice self-compassion

If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.

To create this new voice,  respond to yourself the way you would to a good friend or someone you love very much.  Acknowledge that this is a difficult moment and that it is painful.  Offer yourself some kind, encouraging words.

Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up.

To learn more about self compassion, check out some of my other blogs on the topic.

How To Practice Self Compassion

Why Being Kinder To Yourself Matters

 

If you are struggling with impostor syndrome, anxiety or self doubt and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out.  I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit.  All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.

Grief Series Part 3: Grief and Relationships

Grief Series Part 3: Grief and Relationships

by | Apr 28, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Grief, Relationships

4 Ways Relationships Might Change When Facing Grief

Experiencing the death of a loved one is often the biggest challenge a person faces. Grieving can feel overwhelming and consume every facet of your life. It is during this time that you need the comfort of others the most, and yet social connections often feel strained or flipped upside-down as you navigate grief and relationships.

Here are four ways relationships can shift when you are trying to navigate the loss of a loved one:

1. Your Support System May Surprise You

You may be surprised who steps up in your greatest hour of need. Some of your closest loved ones, those who have been by your side through dating and childbirth and other life dilemmas, may not be able to be there for you during your bereavement. It is often people you’d least expect who show up to hold your hand while you grieve. An old friend you’ve lost touch with, a co-worker you’ve hardly spoken to but who understands the complexities of living with death… these are sometimes the people who help the hurt go away.

2. You Will Feel Angry – And That’s Okay

You will try and understand why your closest friends and relatives seem to have abandoned you during one of the most painful times in your life. But understanding won’t make the pain of it go away.

Yes, it’s important to realize that not everyone can cope with death and loss, including the people closest to you. It’s also important to recognize that feeling this additional pain, and even anger and resentment about feeling abandoned, is totally normal and okay.

3. People Will Avoid You

Losing loved ones is something all of us will go through, but some people cannot handle this reality. Just the thought of a loved one dying is more than many people can bear. Seeing your pain and sitting with you in your time of darkness will force others to look this stark reality in the face. Many people simply can’t do it. If you find that friends and relatives seem to be avoiding you, understand it is most likely because they cannot handle their own fears of loss.

4. You Will Have Something in Common with Others

For most people, it’s hard to understand certain things until they experience it themselves: Having children, running a marathon, getting divorced. Losing a loved one is certainly on this list as well. While your current group of loved ones will try to empathize with you, the reality is that you now belong to a special club and those who you feel close to and understood by may change.

This does not mean you will no longer feel close to those you did before the loss, but it means you have now changed and how you perceive the world and others has changed as well.

Relationships are hard, and they can be more difficult during periods of loss and grief. It’s important that you are gentle with yourself during this time and seek help. Consider joining a support group. Being around those who share your pain firsthand can be a comfort during this time.

You may also want the guidance of a therapist who can help you navigate your complex emotions and offer tools to work through your grief.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Grief Series Part 1: Coping With Grief Through Meditation

Grief Series Part 1: Coping With Grief Through Meditation

by | Apr 27, 2020 | Emotions, Grief

Losing someone we love can cause us to feel angry, anxious or depressed.

When coping with grief, it may feel like you can’t move forward, or you don’t know how you can continue living in a world without your loved one in it.

To help deal with these intense and overwhelming emotions, turning to meditation can help. Meditation is a practice of calm and silence, where the frenetic thoughts and worries in your mind are quieted for a moment of reflection or mindfulness. Through meditation, you can begin to calm your emotions, assess your feelings, and come to a place of acceptance and peace.

A Meditation to Cope with Grief:

  • Choose a quiet, comfortable space to sit where you can be alone for 15 to 20 minutes. Play some soft ambient music if you like.
  • Close your eyes and begin by taking slow, mindful and natural deep breaths: in through the nose, then slowly exhale.
  • Try to push away any thoughts or worries and concentrate only on being in this moment.
  • Think of the face of the person you’re missing, and imagine them before you, now. You can imagine that their spirit is there with you, or you can simply envision their face.
  • Express anything you’d like to them. Focus on making the conversation loving and compassionate. If you’d like, you can reimagine a memory. Put yourself back in time with your loved one and imagine experiencing everything in that moment.
  • Thank your loved one for coming to visit you. Imagine a peaceful and gentle goodbye.
  • Slowly bring your awareness back to the room. Feel the energy of yourself from the top of your head to your toes as you take slow and natural deep breaths.

Try this meditation any time you feel the need to do so.

There are apps you can download for your smartphone or tablet to help guide you through different meditations; just search for “meditation” in the App Store. You can also search YouTube for “meditations for grief” and try the guided meditations available there for free.

There is no one way to grieve; everyone grieves differently. There’s also no time table or deadline. The journey of grief is a very personal one, and the only way to get through it is to deal with the emotions you’re experiencing as they come.

If you’re having trouble moving forward after losing someone you love and would like some help, please give me a call today so we can set up an appointment.

How to Heal After a Loss

How to Heal After a Loss

by | Apr 24, 2020 | Emotions, Grief, Stress & Coping

You’re not grieving wrong!

 

Experiencing the death of a loved one is the hardest thing we can go through in this life. What can make grieving even more challenging is the feeling that we’re somehow doing it wrong.

But grieving is a unique experience and there is truly no “right” way to do it. Author Anne Morrow Lindberg put it best when she said, “… suffering … no matter how multiplied, is always individual.”

While there is no one right way to grieve the loss of a loved one, there are some guidelines that will help you heal.

You Will Survive the Loss

The pain of a loved one’s death is so great that we often feel it may cause our own death. But it’s important to remember that emotions, no matter how big, cannot harm you.

In fact, not feeling emotions and bottling them up can often make the situation, and sometimes our health, much worse. Avoiding the pain of loss tends to stunt our grieving and we end up taking our pain with us into our future.

Understand the Ebb and Flow of Grief

Grieving is a process with no stillness. There is always movement; an ebb and flow to our grief. After a few weeks, you may have a day when you feel like you can finally catch your breath; where you notice how pretty a sunny day is, and when you dog can make you laugh again. And then the very next day, you feel that old, familiar darkness and despair slide under your skin.

This is natural, and it’s important for you to pay attention to these rhythms of grief. The more you become aware of the ebb and flow of your personal journey, the more you’ll believe that someday there will be more good days than bad.

Practice Self Care

It’s important during this time that you care for yourself as you would a dear friend. Make sure that you get enough rest and try and eat well, even when eating seems like the last thing you want to do. Keeping up your strength is important during this time.

Try and get fresh air and move your body. This will help alleviate the stress and tension you have been feeling. And above all, be kind to yourself mentally and emotionally. Don’t chide yourself for crying in the bathroom on your lunch break. You would never do that to a dear friend, would you? Just let yourself feel your feelings when they come and be gentle with yourself.

Get Support

The people who love you will want to help you during the weeks and months that follow the loss. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help and support. If you need someone to watch the baby so you can go out for a much-needed run, ask. If your spouse was always the one to handle repairs around the house, ask a family member to come over and help.

It’s also a good idea to seek the guidance of a therapist who can help you work through your emotions and develop coping skills.

If you or a loved one is reeling from a personal loss and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

5 Things To Remember When Your Are Grieving

5 Things To Remember When Your Are Grieving

by | Apr 22, 2020 | Depression, Emotions, Grief, Issues for Women, Relationships, Stress & Coping

It’s been a shocking week in Nova Scotia.  The unexplainable actions that left so much devastation have been discussed in nearly every therapy session I’ve had.  

It seems that the old adage about ‘6 degrees of separation’ doesn’t hold up for Nova Scotians.  As close knit, connected Maritimers, it feels like we have all been touched in some way.

When we are upset and grieving, people often try to help by giving advice or making comments, with the best of intentions, but they can inadvertently cause much more pain. 

Because there are so many misperceptions about grief and the grief process, here are some things I want you to know.

1. Feel your emotions don’t try to forget the pain.

 Because the grieving process can be so painful many people (and well meaning friends) think that the best thing to do is to fix or forget the pain. This is actually not the best way to deal with grief.  

Using excessive busyness, over eating, shopping, binge watching television or drinking/drug use or any other means to distract, numb, avoid  or minimize your feelings can become unhelpful in the long run. 

In fact, over using these strategies to deal with your emotions can potentially lead you into painful and destructive situations.   

Truth is, this loss you have experienced is a part of your story.  While it will most certainly become less raw and painful over time, you will never forget that this has happened to you. This experience will shape you and change you.  No matter what, you cannot make what you have gone through disappear from your memory.  

 

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2.Find a safe community of people to support you

One of the easiest ways to gather people around you is to be brave enough to tell people what you need and also to articulate what is helpful  (and not!) for you.  

It’s been my experience that people are well-meaning, but don’t intuitively know what to do.  

Make a list of things  you need done (school pick-ups, babysitting, meals, etc.) so that when people ask how they can help, you have some ready suggestions. 

If you need a friend to be a listening ear (rather than an advice giver and fixer) it can be helpful to share this with your friend so that she knows how best to support you.  

3.There is no ‘right’ way to grieve

In the 1990s, while at university, I had my first personal experience of loss.  I was simultaneously taking undergraduate psychology courses and learned very well-known five stages of grief, as postulated by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.  

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: these are the five stages of grief, so well-known it’s now engrained in pop culture.

I was surprised that my own experience of grief did not follow this model, since I was distinctly left with the impression from my textbooks, that there should be some sort of progression to my deep sadness.  

 At the time of the book’s publication, very little instruction was given in medical school on the subject of death and dying, which was what motivated Kübler-Ross to share her findings in her work with terminally ill patients.

Before her death in 2004, Kübler-Ross noted in her book On Grief and Grieving that the five stages were not meant to be a linear and predictable progression of grief, and that she regretted that the stages had been misinterpreted.

Coinciding with Kübler-Ross’ own remarks on the five stages, there appears to be no evidence that people go through any or all of these stages, or in any particular order. As unique as is each individual and their relationships, so too is their experience with the grieving process.

 

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4. Cry 

There is a strange perception in our culture that we need to get over our loss and that things that remind us of our loss are bad. It’s as though somehow need to stop noticing that our lives have been altered and the sooner we “get over it”, the better.  

So many of the grieving people I work with are under the impression that they need to “move on” from their loss and that the sign that they talk less about their loved one and that they appear less visibly upset. 

Tears actually help us to release stress hormones, soothe our emotions and feel a lift in our mood, thanks to the production of oxytocin that accompanies them.  

5.Tell Stories

Unfortunately, many people who are grieving, find themselves facing “the elephant in the room”.  Friends, family and co-workers seem to be unsure how to talk to you all of a sudden!  Many seem afraid to mention anything remotely related to your loss, let alone address it directly.  

Let me encourage you to find someone with whom you can share these stories.  If there is no one in your circle, experiment with journalling or drawing or writing your story as a means of remembering.  

Although grief has no particular stages, timeline or ending, it doesn’t mean that we will grieve in the same way forever. The people that we love and lose are forever engrained in our hearts and minds. 

Over time, the indescribable sorrow of grief morphs into a sort of bittersweet gratitude: still sad that we lost our loved one, but happy and grateful for the gift of sharing our life and time with them.

If you are struggling with grief and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out.  I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit.  All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.

 

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