4 Lies Anxiety Likes to Tell You

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 15, 2020 | Anxiety, Emotions, Issues for Women, Mindfulness, New Mother, Stress & Coping, Women's Issues

Our brains are just like giant problem solving machines, always on the look out for danger or problems that might be going on in our surroundings that requires our attention.

From a biological perspective, responding to the cues our brain gives us about danger has been useful for ensuring our survival. The way our brain functions continues to serve us well in many ways such as when we need to get out of the way of a car that hasn’t seen us as we’re crossing the road.

However, more often than not, the struggle with anxiety, or more specifically the struggle to get to get rid of anxiety, can leave us feeling discouraged, isolated and hopeless, believing that things will never change.

If you find yourself feeling anxious, you are not alone!

The National Post reported on a recent poll surveying 1,500 Canadians. It found that 41% of people identified themselves as someone who struggles with anxiety and 33% of people had been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Statistically speaking, anxiety disorders are the most prevalent mental health condition. They are more common in women and peak during midlife.

For some people, anxiety is an uncomfortable but fleeting feeling that pops up on occasion during particularly stressful times.

However, for many others, anxiety may be more present and colour more of their daily life.

Either way, there are some sticky lies that anxiety likes to tell us that get us stuck in a struggle to get rid or or eliminate our anxiety.

It is this struggle that’s can amplify and worsen our experience of anxiety and decrease our ability to cope effectively.

Does any of this sound familiar?

1) You Need to Solve Every Problem Anxiety Dredges Up

How often are you aware of your own thoughts? Our thoughts tend to bubble up from our subconscious without much control from our conscious mind. For those experiencing anxiety, many of these thoughts will be negative and frightening. They may seem very compelling for us to try and solve.

Often, anxious thoughts are not rooted in the present, they are about things yet to come in the future or events and regrets from the past that haunt us and trigger our inner critic who floods us with judgement.

We anticipate the worst, try to problems solve scenarios that have yet to happen or beat ourselves up for perceived failings.

We get lost in our heads overthinking, problem solving and criticizing ourselves, hoping to control, prevent or avoid these terrible scenarios.

We get stuck spinning our wheels, and flooding ourselves with stress hormones and we play terrible scenarios over and over again in our minds.

Tip:

One helpful thing you can try when this happens comes from Russ Harris, one of the pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. He calls this ‘Thanking Your Mind’. This allows you to notice the crap your mind is saying, briefly acknowledge it, and turn your focus back to more meaningful activities.

Check out this video for a demonstration of how this works:

2) There is Something Wrong With You

Beyond frightful emotions, anxiety often comes with physical sensations like tightness in the chest, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. In other words, it can feel like you are dying. The more we notice these strange sensations in our body, the more that the sensations can amplify and consume ever more of our attention. This creates an anxiety feedback loop in our body and can be very distressing.

Tip:

Slow, deep breaths have been shown to instantly calm a person. The most important part of this, is to focus on exhaling all the air out of your lungs. Try breathing in for a count of 4 and breathing out for a count of 6. Your heart rate will slow, your muscles will relax, your entire body will return to a normal state of being. Don’t underestimate the power of just taking a moment to breathe.

3) You’re the Only One

But you’re not.

Remind yourself of that ancient dialogue your mind and body are having and know that, in reality, this is something that happens to others too.

One of the things that can happen for people who struggle with anxiety is that they can begin to view themselves as flawed, broken or damaged as a result. This does nothing to ease anxiety, but rather increases the pain of it by layering on negative self-judgement.

Tip: Practice self-compassion. Respond to yourself in the same way you would a good friend who was having a similar experience. Self-compassion and coaching yourself through a difficult moment with kindness can help you build resilience and navigate anxious moments more effectively

anxiety anxious counselling Bedford Halifax Nova Scotia online

4) You’ll Always Feel Like This

Once you learn to be an observer of your thoughts and learn how to stay present in the moment using your breath, and apply self-compassion by reminding yourself that you are knowing you are having a natural reaction to what your brain (amygdala) perceive as a threat, you can navigate difficult moments of anxiety more effectively.

While anxiety may still show up, you can learn to handle moments of anxiety more effectively. Over time and with practice, it is possible to behave in ways that give your life more richness and meaning and feel that anxiety has less on an impact.

If after reading this you think that you might benefit from some help learning to manage anxiety more effectively, don’t hesitate to reach out! I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.

Emotional Eating; How to Manage When You’re Stuck at Home

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 10, 2020 | Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Issues for Women, Mindfulness, Stress & Coping, Women's Issues

A recent Bloomberg report showed an interesting trend; sales were up — way up — for all types of comfort foods, including popcorn (48 per cent), pretzels (47 per cent) and potato chips (30 per cent) compared to a year ago.

What is it about isolation, stress and the disorienting way each day blends into the next that has people reaching for salty snack foods as a form of comfort?

Honestly, it’s less about hunger than it is about how we use food.

We use it to self-soothe.

To numb ourselves against our anxieties about the unknown.

We use it to distract ourselves from the stress and unresolved emotions we’re experiencing.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying food during a rough time, but when it becomes our ‘go to’ to quell boredom, stress and to manage our emotional experiences, it’s worth taking note.

What is Emotional Eating

‘Emotional eating’ is the term people often use when talking about snacking on comfort foods especially when they are not truly hungry.

In those moments what we are really looking for is comfort in our bodies and our lives and we are using food to distract or cut ourselves off from our emotional state, rather than because of hunger.

The problem with emotional eating, you may have discovered, is that it doesn’t work.

In the moment it brings you temporary relief, but once you’re done eating, you might even feel worse.

Eating can all too easily become a strategy for coping with a low mood, anxiety, boredom, stress, and anger.

During this crisis, when we are spending more time in our homes, it’s understandable that we may be relying on food as a coping mechanism more often than we ordinarily would. This is not to say that you should never rely on food for comfort, but that it is important to have an awareness of why you are reaching for food and a to have a range of coping strategies in addition to eating.

Slow Down & Check in

Before you reach into your cupboard or fridge, slow down. Take a few breaths and check in with yourself. Are you really hungry?

Or, is there some other emotion that is coming up for you?

Maybe you are bored, anxious, frustrated or worried.

First, slow down and take a few deep breaths. Try breathing in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 6. Take at least 10 breaths.

Try Something New

If eating has been your only coping strategy, it is good to add new tools to your toolbox. Consider trying out some other activities that you can turn to, rather than food, to help you soothe, distract, or discharge some emotional energy. These will be unique to each individual.

Here are a list of some new things you can test out:

Creative:

Learn to play guitar, bass or ukulele

Learn to play piano

Learn to drum

Practice drawing skills

Improve your painting skills

Physical Activity:

Yoga

Spin Bike Run

Interval workouts

Mindfulness Apps:

My favourite mindfulness apps

Read a new book or listen to a podcast

Connect with Others

We are wired for connection with others and isolation is psychologically very difficult. While we cannot be physically close to our friends, family, teammates and colleagues, we can connect virtually.

My son is doing strength training with his swim team; something I never would have imagined possible, but it has been very helpful for maintaining a routine and connection with people who are important to him.

Who can you connect with in a creative way?

Coffee and FaceTime a friend?

Wine and dinner online with someone special?

Netflix watch party?

Be Kind to Yourself

Research shows that the more the more understanding and forgiving we are of ourselves, the more motivated we are to do what we need to take care of ourselves, including eating well.

Self compassion can also help guard against the feelings of failure that can arise when you ‘hijack’ your best efforts to eat well. Self-compassion can help you get back on track rather than beating yourself up.

Here are some helpful reads here and here on practicing self-compassion

Seek Help

You do not have to go through this time alone. Even if you live alone or have limited means, there are resources and supports available to you. I am currently providing online services to help clients gain the skills and the tools they need to handle the stress and anxiety of COVID-19 more effectively. I’m offering reduced fee spots for those that have been impacted by job or income loss during this crisis and the option of 30 minute focused sessions to help keep you on track, if longer appointments won’t work for now.

How to Cope with the Stress and Anxiety Caused by COVID-19

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 1, 2020 | Anxiety, Emotions, Issues for Women, Mindfulness, Stress & Coping, Women's Issues

If you’re like most people, you are doing your best to stay calm and cope effectively with anxiety during COVID-19 pandemic. But that can feel incredibly difficult at times.

When you’re not worrying about keeping everyone healthy, there’s also the stress of working from home, parenting kids who are out of school and daycare, along with the experience of isolation that comes from being out of physical connection with our friends and family.

Signs of Emotional Distress and 6 Ways to Cope

Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations, but most will exhibit some of the following signs:

Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
A sense of being on edge, restless or unsettled
Physical signs of anxiety like a racing heart, clammy hands
Difficulty concentrating
Irritability and frustration towards others
Worsening of chronic health problems
Overuse of alcohol or other drugs

If you are experiencing significant stress right now, here are some quick ways you can help yourself:

1. Limit Media Consumption

Yes, you do need to know what is going on, but you don’t need to read every.single.article. about COVID-19 or watch the new loop on repeat.

Likewise, scrolling social medial for hours to deal with boredom, restlessness and anxiety is helpful int the moment, but ultimately unfulfilling.

It’s especially important to create times during the day where you are engaging in activities that you enjoy and getting a break from you phone.

Instead try:

Watching a movie with your partner or family

FaceTime or Skype or call a friend

2. Nurture Your Body and Spirit

Be sure to get outside for some fresh air and go for a walk. Eat well, make sure to stay hydrated and get plenty of sleep.

One practice you can adopt to cope more effectively with anxiety is mindful breathing. This helps to turn on the part of the nervous system that helps calm you down and turn off the stress response.

Breathing in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 6.

This activates the parasympathetic system, the part of your nervous system that helps you to relax.

As you exhale, a signal is carried through your vagus nerve from your body to your brain, sending the message to move out of the stress response and into a more restful state.

Try it now for 6-10 breaths and see what happens. .

You can Also Try:

Calm App
Happiness Trap App

3. Contain Your Worries

There is a lot to think about these days. Lots you could worry about. Kids. Health. Employement. Finances. Loved ones.

But when our thoughts run wild, our anxiety increases.

It’s so easy to miss out on the pleasureable things we have going on when our minds are somewhere else while we are doing them.

Try having a worry time.

Throughout the day, when your mind pulls you into worries, make a note of it, but don’t get caught up in it. I use the notes app on my phone, but paper works just fine.

Then, at a set time each day, sit and reflect on your worries. Make a flow chart, a diagram, pro/con lists. Whatever you do, focus on the worries. Spend 15-20 minutes really digging into your concerns.

At the end of your worry time, take 8-10 mindful breaths as described in #2 and return to your day.

4. Recharge

While you are not driving to and from your office, or taking the kids to sports practices, you still have plenty to look after.

Maybe it’s just the podcasts and blogs that I read, but everywhere I turn, there seems to be this hightened pressure to do something phenomenal with this time in isolation.

After all, don’t you know “Shakespeare wrote King Lear while he was quarantined during the plague?”

Don’t buy into this pressure. I believe many women are just on the edge of burnout from the fast pace of their lives and the many responsabilities they carry.

Rest. Pursue your values. Allow yourself time to feel your emotions. Connect with your love ones; in person if they live with you or over the internet.

The impression that you should be able to accomplish incredible things during this time can add to anxiety and self criticism.

5. Stay in the Present Moment

Because of the uncertainty about the future and how challenging the current times are, it is natural that your mind would pull you out of the present moment. However, living too far in the future provokes anxiety.

Listen to music mindfully.

Sip tea slowly.

Smell the scent in your diffuser or from a candle.

Slow down and be in the present moment.

If you find yourself becoming too stressed or anxious during this time, I encourage you to connect with me. Speaking with a therapist can help you cope with the situation and navigate the days ahead. I am currently able to conduct sessions over the phone or via a secure video platform, so you won’t even have to leave your home to get help.

3 Helpful Tips For Relationship Stress During The Pandemic

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Mar 27, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Relationships, Women's Issues

Last week, my husband went shopping at the Superstore. Somehow while he was gone, I came across a video about wiping down produce and containers brought home from the grocery store.

It was late when he got home, and I was already in bed, but I wasn’t too tired to mention my thoughts about wiping down the watermelon in the fridge.

My husband kindly offered to help, even though this is not something he would have done without my prompting.

His responsiveness helped us to avert what could have been a late night anxiety fuelled disagreement.

Fast forward to a few days later when he got an email from the Superstore telling him to monitor himself for symptoms as a staff member had been diagnosed with COVID-19.

Now we’re both feeling relieved.

Under the strain and stress of our current circumstances, many couples are getting stuck in distance, disagreements and hostility.

The pressure of having kids at home while simultaneously needing to school them, be productive at work and keep up with household tasks is a recipe for increased tension.

Add to this, the uncertainty and financial tensions that this pandemic has caused and the anxiety of falling ill, and many couples feel pushed to the brink.

According to recent news, the COVID-19 pandemic has been hard on relationships. I read this week that divorce rates in China rose significantly once the quarantine was lifted, and while there could be many factors contributing to this statistic, doubt, living in tight quarters under stressful conditions played a part.

Even couples who have a decent relationship, might find that things feels strained over the next few months. Thankfully, stress and strain don’t have to push the two of you apart. There are some evidence-based habits that can help you and your partner navigate the unknown as you both adjust to this ‘new normal’.

1) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotions

Truth is, most of us are feeling a little messed up right now. Whether it is the uncertainty of your financial situation, the pressures of working out of a makeshift office indefinitely while your kids bicker in the background or the grief of missing out on events you can’t attend or activities you can’t participate in, all of us are facing a certain amount of emotional upheaval.

Yet, the strange thing is, no matter how much we love our spouse, when we feel anxious, overwhelmed or irritable we often take it out on them.

When our emotions are heightened, our vulnerable feelings can comes out as anger and frustration. We argue over details about about kids and scheduling or opinions about hand hygiene rather than having a more vulnerable conversation.

If we remain disconnected from our own emotional experience and show our more reactive emotions to our spouse, rather than acknowledging what is really going on for us, it’s unlikely we will get the connection and support we need.

Take the time you need for self-care. Try some strategies to manage anxiety and worry more effectively. Enter into your conversations with loved ones with an open heart.

2) Be Present

Two is better than one, is more than just a pithy saying; connection with someone we are close to literally makes difficult tasks seem less daunting. In this study, researchers found that study participants estimated a hill to be less high if they were with (or imagining being with) a close supportive other.

It’s fascinating; rejection and isolation are coded in our brains in the same way as physical pain. By the same token, loving responsiveness from a loved one is soothing to our nervous system and helps us to find our sense of emotional balance. Hand holding has even been shown in fMRI studies to make the pain from a shock less painful. Emotional connection with a safe loved other soothes our nervous system and gives us the perspective of obstacles being less hard to climb.

Look for ways that you can can connect, even briefly, to be present for each other in the midst of this chaos.

Can you still have coffee together before parting ways to your own separate parts of the house for your work day?

Or send each other jokes by text?

Go for a walk together before dinner?

Simply being in the same space as your partner is not the same as being present with them. When your partner comes to talk or ask for support, be sure to respond. Put your phone down or turn off the TV. Hold hands. Tune into to what they are saying.

3) Be Responsive

Sue Johnson, a leading couples therapy expert and creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy says that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks relationships.

Being able to identify and speak our needs directly in a way that helps our partner to lovingly respond, is an important part of a healthy relationship.

I truly felt cared about and slept much better because my husband responded to my late night request to wipe down fruit.

In tight quarters, under emotional strain, it can be more difficult to be tuned into the needs of our significant other. But doing your best to be responsive to them will undoubtedly go a long way to improving your ‘togetherness’ in this crisis.

How can you be responsive to your partner?

Sit and truly listen without going to a fix-it response?

Offer a hug?

Ask them what they most need from you?

I believe that this can be a time for you and your spouse to learn to relate to each other differently and grow stronger as a couple through this weird and unexpected time.

*If you are experiencing intimate partner violence or feel unsafe in your relationship please use this link to reach out for help.*

How To Nurture Your Mental Wellness

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Aug 23, 2019 | Anxiety, Emotions, Finding Appropriate Help, General, Mindfulness

The World Health Organization describes mental wellness “as a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community”.

When we talk about mental wellness, we’re not just talking about the the absence of disease or a clinical diagnosis.

It encompasses so much more.

Are you living your life to the fullest, in alignment with what is most important to you and in such a way that it positively impacts others around you. That is mental wellness.

Here are some ways you can work towards mental wellness, even starting today.

1. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits we put in place to make clear what is ‘our stuff’ and what is someone else’s. Having healthy boundaries is a crucial part of mental wellness because it allows us to set limits on what we will (or won’t) accept in terms of behaviour from others and how much time, resources, energy we are willing to devote to certain situations.

Boundaries protect us from taking on burdens that are not ours to carry and from developing resentment towards another person. Healthy boundaries allow us to be in relationship with others without becoming burnt out and exhausted.

Maybe you find yourself consistently doing things you know you don’t want to do to avoid conflict, to please others or to fit in. I’ve found this book Boundaries to be so helpful in figuring this out. (Note: There are some Christian references in this so if that isn’t a fit for you, skip the book)

2. Be In The Moment

How often have you found yourself being somewhere physically, but mentally your somewhere else, distracted by all the ‘stuff’ of life? You can hardly enjoy the experience you are having, even if it is one you have been longing for, because your thought life is carrying you away.

Research show that when we can remaining in the present moment we experience lower levels of perceived stress, anxiety and depression, improved mood, and a sense of improved well-being. Results of the study confirmed that those with greater present-moment awareness responded to stress more often with a greater perceived ability to handle things by relying on core values to navigate the stressful situation.

To experiment with this practice, notice every time you are intending to do one thing (read to your kids or have a conversation with your spouse) but are simultaneously doing something else (thinking of an argument you had with your mother or the list of things you need to do before the end of the day).

When you notice that your mind has pulled you away from the moment, gently let the though go, and with intention turn back to what you were doing. You may need to repeat this several times. This is called ‘the practice of being in the present moment’, and much like going to the gym, it takes repetition before it becomes a habit.

3. Eat Healthy

Eating healthy is a vital part of positive mental health. Eating a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, lean protein and whole grains will slowly release energy into your bloodstream, creating a consistent level of energy that won’t leave you feeling tired or sluggish. Eating healthy will also provide a mental boost because you’ll feel good about your healthy food choices.

4. Sunshine

Sunshine is a great way to boost your mood. Put on some comfortable walking shoes and take a leisurely walk around your neighborhood, or a local park. Exposure to sunlight will help your brain release serotonin which will boost your mood, and help you feel more calm and focused.

5. Get Some Sleep

A good night’s sleep is a vital part of a healthy lifestyle. When you’re well rested, you’re naturally energized. Regular sleep also boosts your immune system as well as your cognitive and mental health.

You have the power to improve your mood. By making some healthy additions to your daily routines, you can develop regular habits that will improve your overall mental well-being.

5 Ways to Cope with Anxiety as a Mom

by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Aug 9, 2019 | Anxiety, Emotions, Motherhood, Parenting

If you’ve been a mom for any length of time, you know how unpredictable and overwhelming it can be.

Remember those pre-kids days where you could plan your schedule and knew you could get you work done?

The ‘good ‘ol days’ when you never had to deal with your agenda being derailed by an epic bout of the stomach flu that has been going around daycare.

Maybe this sounds familiar…..

You’ve got a to do list longer than your arm but you haven’t had a solid night of sleep in weeks. This vague, unsettled feeling is showing up in your body and nagging worries keep popping up in your mind, causing you to feel edgy, anxious and irritable.

You can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong, but you know your fuse is way shorter than usual.

This is such an normal response to the unrelenting demands and sometimes overwhelming challenges of motherhood.

But you know you don’t want to be an irritable, angry mom.

And you know how important it is for your kids’ emotional health to be emotionally steady so you can help them with their big feelings too.

So, what can you do?

5 tips to help you cope with anxiety

1. Schedule a Worry Time

Part of what makes motherhood feel so overwhelming is the sheer number of decisions you have to make. It can seem like there is always one more problem that needs to be solved.

It’s so easy to get lost in our minds, thinking through these situations, over and over.

But, if we’re not careful, these ongoing nagging thoughts can shift our mood from calm to anxious.

Interestingly, research shows that scheduling a time to worry, actually serves to decrease anxiety.

A worry time?!? Yep. It works because it allows you to cope more effetively with your worries. Start by setting aside a time each day, 10, 15 or 20 minutes to dig deep into all the challenges and decisions you are facing.

Then, throughout the day, notice when you are getting caught up in worrying. Make a note about it on your phone or in a journal.

After that, turn your focus back to the present moment, setting your worries aside until ‘worry time’ when you can tackle them.

At the end of the time you have set aside, put the list away, and get back to living in the moment. Repeat this daily. Notice if this strategy helps you cope differently with anxiety.

2. Say No

If you’re anything like me, it’s so easy to get caught up feeling like you have to do it all. Mom guilt sucks us in, and before we know it, we’re signing our kids up for every activity, planning extravagant play dates, cooking only whole foods, home cooked meals, and volunteering at school, even when we really want to say ‘no’.

Moms often come to see me asking for help fitting more into their schedule. But, most often, time management isn’t the issue. It’s being over scheduled.

I get it. It’s so hard to let go of the unrealistic pressure and expectations we put on ourselves.

Many years ago, I remember being so upset with myself because I had forgotten to sign my oldest son up for preschool gymnastics. It felt like I had let him down in a serious way. I shake my head now, just thinking about it.

Looking back, it was so much better for me to slow down on my maternity leave, rather than to race around because of the pressure I felt to make sure my kid got the best of everything.

Saying ‘no’ to busyness is not just good for our mental health, it’s good for our kids’ well being too.

3. Get Some Fresh Air

There’s nothing like some fresh air and sunlight to ease anxiety. Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk around the block or jump in the car and head to a trail or the Halifax Waterfront.

Take your kids to De Wolfe Park or sit on the patio at Chicken Little and share a frozen treat. You can also try your local library.

On that note, have you seen this awesome blog post full of ideas? Some of them are specific to the summer, but I bet you’ll find some useful suggestions for all seasons.

4. Practice Mindfulness Exercises
Motherhood is full of anxiety provoking situations (will my kids turn out OK, are they growing and developing as they should, what if they develop a serious illness, are they fitting in at school, etc.).

Often, women tell me that they had not been particularly anxious before having children, but that since becoming a mom, anxiety has been a constant companion.

Developing a self compassion practice can be especially helpful for this. Try out this audio and see if it resonates with you.

Here’s another experiment to check out and see if it helps you cope with anxiety.

Try breathing in for a count of 4 and breathing out for a count of six. Do this for 8-10 breaths. Then, as you continue to do this, concentrate on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This can help calm you when you’re feeling anxiety start to arise.

5. Use Your Support Network
It’s not always easy to ask for help. As moms, we often get the message from social media or even our families and friends that we should be able to balance all the demands of motherhood. And somehow make it look easy. Ya, right.

Because being a mom is a demanding job, having a support network is vital.

Try taking a risk with vulnerability in relationships that feel safe to you. Call a friend or family member who you think will be supportive and encouraging to ask for advice or help. Creating connections is so important in building resilience as a mom.

And if you don’t have a great support network, you are not alone!

Now is the perfect time to cultivate one. Some women find connection at drop in programs, in faith based and community groups or by joining a gym/sports program for themselves.

You might be surprised to learn that women often come to see me simply because they know that I am a safe, non-judgemental person they can be real with.

They know that as a mom I can relate to the struggles that they are facing and that I can support them as they work though their particular challenges.

Experiment with these suggestions and see what difference they make in helping you cope with anxiety.

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