5 Ways to Lighten the Mental Load of Motherhood

5 Ways to Lighten the Mental Load of Motherhood

by | Sep 4, 2020 | Emotions, Issues for Women, Motherhood, New Mother, Parenting, Stress & Coping

1. Give Yourself a Break:

Notice the way you talk to yourself when you are struggling to juggle “all the things”. Would you talk this way to a friend? Probably not.

Instead, try reminding yourself how tough it is to keep all these things on your plate. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Place a kind hand on your heart. Self-compassion can help you respond better in a crisis.

If you need some guidance, try listening to these self-compassion meditations as a way to build a self-compassion practice so you’ll have something to draw on next time a difficult moment hits.

2. Give up the Quest to do it Perfectly:

Being a busy mom means that you are not going to be able to keep the standards that you wish in all the different parts of your life. Part of lightening the load of motherhood is refusing to put unrealistic expectation on yourself.

What if the dishwasher isn’t loaded perfectly, kids clothes are jammed in drawers rather than being folded neatly or they don’t take xyz lessons this season?

Once you get used to the discomfort of “good enough”, it is quite freeing. It allows you to delegate; not just to your spouse but to your kids too. Not needing things to be done to such a high standard also helps your to set better boundaries about what you are and are not able to take on.

3. Automate and Delegate:

No doubt you’re busy as heck and feel like you are being pulled in five different directions at any given moment; planning dinner, supervising homework, driving to sports, running the bedtime routine, keeping up with cleaning and anything else that has found its way onto your plate. In the midst of this, it feels like an extra task just to ask for the help you need.

Don’t fall in the trap of just doing it yourself!

Finding ways for things to be repeatable and clearly communicated is super helpful for lightening the mental load of motherhood. Plan to do this ahead of time, not in the moment. Once everyone knows what to do, then completely turn that task over to them and take it off you plate.

I am sure you can find a million different ways to do this, but here are some things I love to help me organize, automate and delegate:

*Detailed cleaning routine from Clean Mama which is great for explaining what to do and when.

*A free app called COZI linked to the cleaning routine above. I set it up on my phone and on my older kids devices so it sends them reminders about when to do chores. I don’t have to ask again!

*Meal planing & shopping list app called Plan to Eat. It stores my recipes, makes meal plans and grocery lists.

*Free meal plans every two weeks from the Better Mom so I don’t have to think

4. Be Real With Your Close Mom Friends: Are you feeling overwhelmed? Struggling with mom rage? Being real with you close friend will help you feel less alone and validate what they are going thru too. You may even be able to find creative ways to work together or support each other.

5. Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care is a long-term strategy focused on preventing burnout. Often moms are so exhausted taking care of themselves seems to be the last thing on the list. Other times, they are just uncomfortable with prioritizing their needs and feel like a “bad mom” or guilty for leaving the “to do list” if they take time for themselves.

Look for small ways, like pouring a nice cup of tea, smelling your favourite lotion or sitting down for a few minutes to listen to music or read a book to tend to your needs. Intentionally set aside even 5-10 minutes every day to recharge and care for yourself.

The mental load of motherhood can be so exhausting and overwhelming. Especially at time of high emotion and transitions like we are in this week, as we prepare for back to school, our “mom brains” can feel especially stressed. Remember to respond to yourself with compassion when you can’t get it all done. Expect less of yourself. Proactively find some ways to delegate and automate the sharing of tasks. Cultivate a good group of mom friends to commiserate with and prioritize caring for yourself.

Sometimes motherhood can feel so overwhelming and stressful that self- help is not enough. Counselling can help you process your feelings and find more effective ways to cope. I specialize in working with moms who are feeling stressed, overwhelmed and anxious to help them learn new ways to thrive in their lives.

Get a Grip on Your Emotions, Mama!

Get a Grip on Your Emotions, Mama!

by | Aug 1, 2020 | Anxiety, Emotions, Issues for Women, Motherhood, New Mother, Stress & Coping

A few months ago, in the thick of pandemic isolation, articles about ‘mom rage’ began appearing in my Facebook feed and in my inbox.

Intrigued, I felt drawn to read what I could find about this term that I had never heard of.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly experience feeling angry as a mom, but I had never heard of the experience described in such a raw way.

In case you haven’t heard of it, ’Mom rage’ is the term to describe the intense anger many women experience during pregnancy, postpartum and beyond. It is a fitting description for venting of the daily emotional and logistical pressures moms face, that have a way of building up and building up until we lose it.

‘Mom rage’ does not sound at all like the kind of patient, fun mom you’ve envisioned being, which makes it especially hard to talk about without feeling guilt or shame. If you’ve struggled with anger as a mom, I want you to know that you are not alone.

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 What contibutes to ‘Mom Rage’?

‘Mom rage’ can be linked to social isolation, lack of support, managing high levels of stress as well as maternal depression and anxiety.

Being a mom, for many, can intensify our experience of anxiety. Am I getting this right? How do I keep my kids safe? Are they getting all that they need?

There are so many decisions to make on a daily basis that we can easily feel overwhelmed and weighed down by the mental load of motherhood.

Grief can also contribute to feelings of anger. Becoming a mom, while it can be a wonderful experience, is also an experience of loss. As moms, we might grieve the loss of our independence, losing control over our own schedule, decreased social connection, lack of sleep, our pre-baby bodies, etc.

During this pandemic, this experience of loss has only been amplified; when you stop and consider all of the changes that we have had to adapt to over the past few months, grief is a normal emotional reaction to have.

‘Mom rage’ can even be the expression of our stress response connected to our kids behaviours or our own past history of trauma. Physiologically, fight, flight or freeze is how our bodies are programmed to respond when faced with an overwhelming emotional experience.

How To Get A Grip On Your Emotions in the Moment?

Part 1 of this blog series, highlighted the importance of recognizing your triggers and addressing them pro-actively to help you cope more effectively with stress and being overwhelmed.

Here are some steps you can take to help you in the moment, to help you get a grip:

1.Stop “Should-ing” All Over Yourself: Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy coined the term “should-ing all over yourself” to describe our tendency to criticize and judge ourselves with shoulds. Guilt and anxiety are amplified the more ‘shoulding’ you do.

When you catch yourself mentally beating yourself up for all of the things you “should” have done, ask yourself “who says this is important or how it has to be done?”.

Often the things that we feel we “should” do come from external pressures and are not even what really matters to us. Perhaps it’s our mom who says it should be a certain way or our friends who are all enrolling their kids in some program or another.

If there are some “shoulds” that really matter to you, don’t feel that you need to carry the burden alone. Enlist help from a spouse, friend, family member, or older child to help share the load.

2. Put Down Your Phone: The madness of social media is that on one hand you use it to try and distract yourself from whatever unpleasant emotions you are feeling (boredom, anxiety, overwhelmed, etc.) while it simultaneously makes you feel worse when you see the highlights of everyone else’s day.

Even if you’re watching the latest Kristina Kuzmic YouTube Video while you’re trying to parent your kids, you’ll likely be interrupted on multiple occasions, and what sort of mindset will you be in then?

Being distracted by your phone makes it even more difficult to regulate your emotions or to help your kids deal with theirs. Try putting your phone out of sight, at least for part of the day, so you can be fully present.

3. Notice What is Happening in Your Body: Become more aware of what it feels like in your body before you become unhinged. Where do you feel the frustration, overwhelm, anger, sadness or helplessness in your body?

Take a deep breath, exhale slowly and focus on what your body is feeling.

You might notice how you shrug your shoulders up towards your neck, or tighten your jaw muscles when you are feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you notice how hot you feel when you feel angry.

Noticing and naming the tension you feel and the emotions that are coming up may not make the difficult situation it go away, but it puts you back in control and allows you to take a minute and think about how you’d like to respond.

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5. Respond To Yourself With Compassion: Kristen Neff, who is a leading author and researcher on self-compassion has found that when caregivers (yes, that is you, mom!) pour themselves out for others without being kind and supportive towards themselves, they eventually burn out.

After a decade of research, Neff has found that held-compassion is associated with good mental health, protects caregivers from compassion fatigue and increases satisfaction in the caregiving role.

She defines self-compassion as having 3 main components; self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with oneself rather than being harshly critical or judgmental. Common humanity involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect, fail and make mistakes. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment with an awareness of ones painful feelings without ignoring them or holding on to tightly to them.

Here is a self-compassion exercise from the book Self-Compassion for Parents by Susan Pollack that you can try:

-Notice your experience (This is really, really hard. I feel so overwhelmed)
-Validate your feeling; like how you would talk to a good friend (ugh! Moments like this completely suck! Parenting is full of these tough moments. Other moms definitely feel this way too! I am not alone experiencing this; this is part of parenting.)
-Add words of kindness (You’ve got this! You can get through this. Let me be kind to myself today.)
-Try putting your hand on your heart and notice the warmth and gentle pressure.

There are going to be days that you blow it! Have some compassion for yourself. Instead of feeling forever horrible and mentally beating yourself up for the rest of the day, see it as an opportunity to reset.

Ask yourself what you need in that moment to get back on track.

Apologize sincerely to your kids.

Begin again.

Motherhood will present you with the ‘opportunity’ again and again to learn to deal more skillfully with your emotions. Many moms have never been taught to handle their feelings effectively. As you learn to experience sadness, anxiety, anger and other emotions in new ways, you can also share this learning with your kids to better equip them.

If you’ve been struggling with stress, anger or anxiety on your own and don’t feel like you’ve been making progress, counselling can be a very helpful part of the puzzle. I invite you to reach out for a free 15 minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, to help you learn to navigate your emotions more effectively.

Helpful Resources:

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids by Carla Naumburg (*has a lot of ‘salty’ language, but is a great book!)

Self-Compassion for Parents by Susan Pollack

How Not to Lose Your Mind (as often) With Your Kids This Summer

How Not to Lose Your Mind (as often) With Your Kids This Summer

by | Jul 24, 2020 | Anxiety, Emotions, Issues for Women, Motherhood, New Mother, Parenting, Stress & Coping

Ah, summer!

What is it about warmer weather, less structure to your days and time off work with the kids that seems like it might decrease your stress as a mom?

For weeks,  you couldn’t wait for ‘online learning’ to stop,  after what felt like an eternity of struggling to balance work and school (I bet that you appreciate teachers 1000x more after that!).

Just thinking about summer vacation made your heart feel light, imagining all the fun you’d have.

Lemonade on the deck, days at the beach, picking berries in the Annapolis Valley.

But truth is, after a couple of weeks, you’re over it! You feel just as stressed by the cooking, cleaning and juggling of kids in the summer months as you did over the school year.  

But, no wonder! Summer can still be stressful!

You would think that kids who had been shuttled around all year to various programs and activities and had been stuck mainly indoors doing school work for the last 9 months would love some downtime. But, no.

Noooo.

My kids beg to play video games, watch TV, get on their siblings nerves, pick fights and tattle on each other and plead to go to Chicken Little for ice cream. Daily.

This year, because your kids have already been cooped up at home for the past 4 months, your patience is worn thin. Some days it feels as though your teetering on the edge of sanity, trying not to lose your s*&t!

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Life as a Mom is Tough

It’s only 8 am and already you’ve been up for hours because someone peed the bed in the early hours of the morning and you couldn’t fall back to sleep.

You haven’t had your morning coffee yet because someone else is melting down over their unicorn t-shirt being in the wash. To make matters worse, you’ve run out of milk for your cereal.

You had hoped to get some exercise in this morning, but your plans have been derailed. You are tired and keeping it together when you’ve got a million balls to juggle can feel practically impossible.

 

Mom stress is real!

The Impact of Mom Stress

You might be familiar with the horrible feeling that floods your body in moments of high stress; like when your kids are melting down and you’re trying to get them out the door.

Maybe you hear your voice change-my kids joke that they know that I am about to lose it when I start using proper grammar and big words as I internally struggle not to come unglued.

And, if you don’t catch yourself, words will come rushing out like toothpaste out of a tube; impossible to put back.

Mom meltdowns leave you feeling terrible about how you’ve handled the situation.

As crappy as the situation was, your behaviour has left you feeling much worse.

Why is it so hard to keep my cool when I’m stressed?

Dear frustrated and stressed mom, I want you to know that this reaction is not because you are a terrible person. Or because you are any more flawed than the rest of us.

Making sense of this reaction by understanding how your brain and body work can help you to stop beating yourself up (you are human, after all) and have hope that you can learn to handle things in new ways.

Here is a brief explanation; Our brains and nervous systems respond with a stress response which is sometimes called fight/flight/freeze when we are experiencing a ‘threat’.

You might be surprised to learn that our brains don’t have a separate pathway to handle the emotional ‘threat’ of mom chaos compared to the physical ‘threat’ of a car speeding towards you.

Either way, when your nervous system becomes aware, consciously or unconsciously, that something bad is going down, or at least might be, your amygdala sends a signal that activates your sympathetic nervous system and your body gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.

Physiologically, you are primed to dart out of the way of that speeding car, but the reality is you need to keep your cool while you wipe up a full glass of milk that has been spilled all over the table and is dripping down onto the floor, when you are already 5 minutes late to get out the door.

Now, your body that was already experiencing a stress response because you were running late, has just gotten all jacked up again with a fresh flood of stress hormones after the milk spilled.

All that energy has to go somewhere…..and if you don’t get a hold of yourself so you just might come unhinged.

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How do I Stop Losing It so Often?

One of the best ways to have a chance at getting a grip on yourself in those chaotic scenes, is to start recognizing your triggers and addressing them pro-actively.

What are triggers?

Carla Naumburg, a clinical social worker and author of one of my new favourite books How to Stop Losing Your s*&it with Your Kids defines triggers as “anything that makes it more likely that you’re going to lose your shit with your kids.” These can include stress, insecurities, big feelings, or distractions.

She states that some of the most common triggers are;

-Chronic exhaustion
-Anxiety
-Multitasking
-Smartphones and social media
-Major life changes

Identifying and figuring out how to deal with your triggers is critical to getting a hold of yourself, so that you don’t flip out on your kids.

I challenge you this week to make a list of your triggers and what you can do to address each one.

I’ll share some of mine…..

A messy house – how can families with kids have a tidy house? It’s never going to happen! Remind myself to take a deep breath, ask for help from the kids and chill out if a cushion is out of place or there’s socks on the floor.

Lack of quiet time – I try to have a nice hot bubble bath or even a long hot shower every day with no kids around and if I’m really lucky even take a book to read in the bath! Finding quiet time even 5 minutes alone a day is key to sanity.

An overbooked life – Just say no! If I have too much going on, I try to reprioritize and let things go.

Mealtimes – meal planning at the start of every week for the week.

Noise – all houses with kids must be noisy, right? If the kids reach the point that they are getting louder than I can manage, go do ‘quiet activities’ with them or go outside with them.

Disorganization- write things down, keep a diary or daily journal so I know when and where I need to be. Leave extra time before and after because kids can drag their feet and take an age to do anything.

Here is a journaling page for you to help you start looking at your mom stress by giving you a place to record some of your triggers and possible solutions.

Come back for part two of this blog series and I’ll give you some practical, in-the-moment things you can do to get a grip when you are about to lose it.

After all, there is no way to avoid the nervous system response to a ‘threat’, but you can learn to handle it differently.

You’re a Fake: Impostor Syndrome and What You Can Do About It

You’re a Fake: Impostor Syndrome and What You Can Do About It

by | Apr 30, 2020 | Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Issues for Women, Self-Esteem, Women's Issues

If you struggle with feeling like you’re a fake,  feeling less worthy than other people or criticizing yourself for mistakes, you may be feeling what is called impostor syndrome.

Maybe you’re familiar with the anxiety that shows up when you start to wonder how long it will take before someone “catches on to you”. You can’t help but feel like you “have them all fooled”, but are convinced that before long someone will realize that you are not as competent as they had believed.

If this has been your experience, you are not alone. An estimated 70% of people struggle with this at some point in their lives according to this article in the International Journal of Behavioural Science.

WHAT IS IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Impostor syndrome, is not really a syndrome or a medical diagnosis, but you’ve likely heard of this phenomena.  These painful thoughts and emotions often lead people strive for perfection, set unrealistic goals and feel paralyzed by negative judgements and self-doubt. 

It was initially defined by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s.  Through this work, Clance noticed that struggling with profound feelings of self-doubt  can lead to anxiety and low self-confidence. 

In a more recent book, Unlocking Your Authentic Self, the author Jennifer Hunt, notes that “people with impostor syndrome under value and under appreciate their own skills and talents”  

Women (and men!) who struggle with impostor syndrome may feel like they are always wearing a mask and hiding their more authentic selves. 

Valerie Young, author of “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women” notes that people who struggle with impostor syndrome can have trouble putting their thoughts and feelings into perspective.  They magnifying their view of  themselves and their mistakes and fail to recognizing that others make them, too. 

To make things worse, people who struggle this kind on negative self-judgement will also attribute often their successes to luck or other factors beyond their control.

Talk about a no win situation!

In her work with people struggling with impostor syndrome, Young created a ‘rule book’,  helping people to identify the unconscious rules in their mind that they hold themselves to in order to feel competent. These rules tend to begin with “should,” “always,” or “never.”

Which of these ‘rules’ do you identify with?

 

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These rigid rules and fixed ways of responding can keep us stuck in unworkable, draining behaviours.  These behaviours persist, because in the short term they serve a function; perhaps they decrease our anxiety or silence our inner critic.  However, in the long term they lead us to increased emotional pain and exhaustion.

Wonder if you are experiencing Impostor Syndrome?  ,

Take the quiz here .

HOW TO COPE WITH IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Feelings of never being good enough and not measuring up not only impact the workplace, but can spill over in to your relationships and home life.  A 2019 study published by the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology found that employees who experience persistent thoughts of feeling like a fake were emotionally drained and struggled to maintain family and work demands, even though they were highly accomplished individuals.  

This is because it is emotionally exhausting and discouraging to feel stuck struggling to measure up.  rapped in this way of thinking and judging yourself,ese unworkable ways of responding, you can easily become exhausted, discouraged and stuck.  There is evidence pointing to a connection between impostor syndrome and burnout, and in my work with women at my counselling practice, I see this happening for many women; from stay-at-home moms to all kinds of professions .  

1)Notice how you feel  

According to Dr. Jennifer Hunt, people that struggle with impostor syndrome may have a harder time with emotion regulation.  She states that people internalize their emotions and believe them to be 100% true rather than recognizing them as temporary and changeable.  They may be prone to holding onto thoughts and feelings from the past, overthinking, forecasting into the future.  

This reminds me of ‘The Sushi Train’ metaphor by Russ Harris. 

The better we get a noticing our emotions, naming them and allowing them to come and go in their own good time, the less emotional energy we expend on trying to fix or get rid and the less impact they have on us. 

Try: Keeping a journal to help you connect your thoughts, emotions, body sensations and how you have been coping with them.  Here is a journalling page to get you started.

2)Notice your Inner Critic

When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.

Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.

Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.

Give it Attention

That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.

Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.

Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.

You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.

4) Face the REAL Reality

Are you someone that generalizes your self-criticisms? By that I mean, do you make generalities about yourself such as, “I’m an idiot,” when you make a mistake? The truth is, we all make mistakes from time-to-time, and this mistake does not make you an idiot.  The sum of who you are is greater than this mistake. 

If you’re going to work on stepping out from the grip of impostor syndrome, you need to first recognize that you might be keeping yourself stuck with these generalities.

To see this more clearly, make a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses.

When you’re done making this list, ask yourself if any of these things are true about you 100% of the time.  I bet not.  Remind yourself that these are behaviours you can choose to engage in (or not) but they don’t define you.  That way, you can choose to respond more flexibly rather than out of these generalities. 

4) Practice self-compassion

If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.

To create this new voice,  respond to yourself the way you would to a good friend or someone you love very much.  Acknowledge that this is a difficult moment and that it is painful.  Offer yourself some kind, encouraging words.

Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up.

To learn more about self compassion, check out some of my other blogs on the topic.

How To Practice Self Compassion

Why Being Kinder To Yourself Matters

 

If you are struggling with impostor syndrome, anxiety or self doubt and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out.  I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit.  All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.

4 Ways a Healthy Sex Life Supports Good Mental Health

4 Ways a Healthy Sex Life Supports Good Mental Health

by | Apr 25, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Issues for Women, Relationships, Sexual Health

A healthy sex life is important to create a full and happy life

Every person has essential human needs. When we don’t get those needs met, our mental and sometimes physical health can suffer as a result. When we think of fundamental human needs, food, shelter, and water come to mind. However, a healthy sex life is also an important component to create a full and happy life for many people.

While it’s not physically or psychologically unhealthy for someone to live an asexual or celibate life, for people that crave the intimacy of a sexual relationship, a healthy sex life is a vital part of a full and happy life. Sex is not only part of a fulfilling life for many people, it also supports good mental health in many ways.

Four Ways a Healthy Sex Life Improves Your Mental Health

 

1. Boosts Serotonin

Low serotonin can cause you to be unable to create or act on plans and strategies. If you have low serotonin, you might have difficulty finishing tasks. You might also become easily agitated, feel a bit down in the dumps, or be unable to control your impulses.

Sex boosts serotonin, which helps improve your mood and fight off depression. Additionally, one of the hormones released during orgasm is serotonin, leaving you feeling soothed from stress and anxiety.

2. Boosts Self Esteem

A lack of sex can be harmful, causing your self-worth and confidence to plummet. When you have sex, the feelings of intimacy with your partner, as well as feeling nurtured and desired boosts your self-confidence and overall well-being.

3. Leads to Better Sleep

Sex also improves how you sleep. It’s very common to fall asleep after sex because your body releases prolactin, a hormone that helps you feel rested and relaxed. The orgasm also releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes sleep. Since a lack of sleep can worsen a mental health disorder, or increase your risk for developing one, better sleep promotes a healthier, more refreshed you.

4. Makes you happy

The cuddling and physical intimacy of sex also gives a boost to your happiness. Endorphins are one of the many chemicals released in the brain during sex. Endorphins are the neurotransmitters associated with the feeling of happiness, causing your mood to brighten overall as it helps lift depression.

Are you struggling with depression or anxiety and looking for guidance and support? A licensed therapist can help you find ways to boost your mood, and work with you to develop a plan to improve your quality of life. Call my office today, and let’s set up a time to talk.

5 Things To Remember When Your Are Grieving

5 Things To Remember When Your Are Grieving

by | Apr 22, 2020 | Depression, Emotions, Grief, Issues for Women, Relationships, Stress & Coping

It’s been a shocking week in Nova Scotia.  The unexplainable actions that left so much devastation have been discussed in nearly every therapy session I’ve had.  

It seems that the old adage about ‘6 degrees of separation’ doesn’t hold up for Nova Scotians.  As close knit, connected Maritimers, it feels like we have all been touched in some way.

When we are upset and grieving, people often try to help by giving advice or making comments, with the best of intentions, but they can inadvertently cause much more pain. 

Because there are so many misperceptions about grief and the grief process, here are some things I want you to know.

1. Feel your emotions don’t try to forget the pain.

 Because the grieving process can be so painful many people (and well meaning friends) think that the best thing to do is to fix or forget the pain. This is actually not the best way to deal with grief.  

Using excessive busyness, over eating, shopping, binge watching television or drinking/drug use or any other means to distract, numb, avoid  or minimize your feelings can become unhelpful in the long run. 

In fact, over using these strategies to deal with your emotions can potentially lead you into painful and destructive situations.   

Truth is, this loss you have experienced is a part of your story.  While it will most certainly become less raw and painful over time, you will never forget that this has happened to you. This experience will shape you and change you.  No matter what, you cannot make what you have gone through disappear from your memory.  

 

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2.Find a safe community of people to support you

One of the easiest ways to gather people around you is to be brave enough to tell people what you need and also to articulate what is helpful  (and not!) for you.  

It’s been my experience that people are well-meaning, but don’t intuitively know what to do.  

Make a list of things  you need done (school pick-ups, babysitting, meals, etc.) so that when people ask how they can help, you have some ready suggestions. 

If you need a friend to be a listening ear (rather than an advice giver and fixer) it can be helpful to share this with your friend so that she knows how best to support you.  

3.There is no ‘right’ way to grieve

In the 1990s, while at university, I had my first personal experience of loss.  I was simultaneously taking undergraduate psychology courses and learned very well-known five stages of grief, as postulated by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.  

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: these are the five stages of grief, so well-known it’s now engrained in pop culture.

I was surprised that my own experience of grief did not follow this model, since I was distinctly left with the impression from my textbooks, that there should be some sort of progression to my deep sadness.  

 At the time of the book’s publication, very little instruction was given in medical school on the subject of death and dying, which was what motivated Kübler-Ross to share her findings in her work with terminally ill patients.

Before her death in 2004, Kübler-Ross noted in her book On Grief and Grieving that the five stages were not meant to be a linear and predictable progression of grief, and that she regretted that the stages had been misinterpreted.

Coinciding with Kübler-Ross’ own remarks on the five stages, there appears to be no evidence that people go through any or all of these stages, or in any particular order. As unique as is each individual and their relationships, so too is their experience with the grieving process.

 

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4. Cry 

There is a strange perception in our culture that we need to get over our loss and that things that remind us of our loss are bad. It’s as though somehow need to stop noticing that our lives have been altered and the sooner we “get over it”, the better.  

So many of the grieving people I work with are under the impression that they need to “move on” from their loss and that the sign that they talk less about their loved one and that they appear less visibly upset. 

Tears actually help us to release stress hormones, soothe our emotions and feel a lift in our mood, thanks to the production of oxytocin that accompanies them.  

5.Tell Stories

Unfortunately, many people who are grieving, find themselves facing “the elephant in the room”.  Friends, family and co-workers seem to be unsure how to talk to you all of a sudden!  Many seem afraid to mention anything remotely related to your loss, let alone address it directly.  

Let me encourage you to find someone with whom you can share these stories.  If there is no one in your circle, experiment with journalling or drawing or writing your story as a means of remembering.  

Although grief has no particular stages, timeline or ending, it doesn’t mean that we will grieve in the same way forever. The people that we love and lose are forever engrained in our hearts and minds. 

Over time, the indescribable sorrow of grief morphs into a sort of bittersweet gratitude: still sad that we lost our loved one, but happy and grateful for the gift of sharing our life and time with them.

If you are struggling with grief and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out.  I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit.  All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.

 

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