Here are two things you should know about me: first, I don’t watch much TV — but when I do, it’s almost always a rom-com or one of those delightfully predictable Hallmark-style movies. Second, sometimes I just can’t help it — my therapist brain switches on.

So when I was scrolling through Prime Video the other night and stumbled across Can You Keep a Secret?, you know it was an easy choice. A little light, a little cheesy, and full of the kind of emotional content that makes my therapist brain perk up.

When Anxious Attachment Strategies Show Up

Emma is a great example of an anxious attachment. When she feels afraid, she doesn’t turn inward to soothe herself — she reaches outward for comfort and reassurance, even if it’s from someone she barely knows. That moment on the plane, when turbulence hits and she starts spilling every personal secret to the stranger beside her, is a perfect snapshot of how anxious attachment shows up under stress.

People with anxious attachment often feel a deep need for connection and reassurance, especially when they sense rejection, distance, or danger. They may cling, overshare, or seek closeness quickly — not because they’re dramatic or needy, but because their nervous system is wired to find safety in closeness.

That moment of sharing gets Emma through the plane ride — her fear softens, her body relaxes, and she feels momentarily connected and safe. But when she realizes that the stranger she’s confided in is actually the CEO of her company, she’s hit with what Brené Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover” — that mix of shame and panic that can follow after we’ve shared more of ourselves than we intended.

For someone with an anxious attachment pattern, that swing from relief to regret can be intense. The very openness that brought comfort now feels like a source of shame or exposure. It captures a familiar experience for many anxiously attached individuals — seeking closeness to ease distress, then feeling panicked about having been “too much” once the storm passes.

The Emotional Withdrawer

The tension in the film builds when Jack accidentally reveals Emma’s intimate secrets in a TV interview, leaving her humiliated and exposed. While her roommate is busy plotting revenge, Emma begins to notice something deeper — that despite everything she’s shared, she actually knows almost nothing about Jack. He’s kept his own life carefully guarded, revealing very little of himself.

From a therapist’s lens, Jack Harper’s secret-keeping isn’t about arrogance or indifference — it’s the move of an emotional withdrawer. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we use this term to describe someone who stays guarded or rational when emotions run high.

It’s not that emotional withdrawers don’t feel deeply; it’s that they haven’t had experiences teaching them that sharing their inner world is safe or helpful. At one point, Jack admits he has a hard time trusting people because they’ve always let him down — so he’s learned to keep his emotions private.

Earned Secure Attachment

In attachment theory, we talk about earned secure attachment — what happens when someone who didn’t grow up with consistent safety or emotional attunement later develops those capacities through healing experiences, often in therapy or through supportive, emotionally responsive relationships.

It’s called earned because it’s developed through intentional growth, reflection, and corrective emotional experiences — not inherited or automatic.

It’s not that traces of old attachment patterns disappear — the fears, the instincts to shut down or cling — but someone with earned secure attachment has learned to recognize and regulate these responses. They can talk about emotions with more balance, offer empathy to others, and stay connected even when relationships feel uncertain.

As the story unfolds, Jack’s calm, grounded energy becomes an emotional anchor for Emma. When she feels awkward or self-conscious, Jack listens. He doesn’t rush to fix her — he’s simply there.

Jack doesn’t try to get Emma to be less emotional; he meets her with presence. That safety helps her regulate herself — and eventually, she learns to trust that love doesn’t disappear when she’s authentic.

And that’s one of the simplest but most powerful hallmarks of a securely attached relationship:You can bring your full self — messy, nervous, vulnerable — and still feel accepted.

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When You’re Loved, Flaws and All

There’s a line near the end of Can You Keep a Secret? that makes my therapist heart happy. Emma says:

“My whole life I always based my value on what other people thought of me. I met you, and I told you everything about me. I told you all my secrets, and you didn’t leave. Even though you knew all my goofiness and my weirdness and all my fears and insecurities… you didn’t leave. I didn’t know anything about you, but it didn’t matter, because I knew your heart. You made me believe that I could be loved just by being myself.”

That perfectly describes what secure attachment feels like — to be completely known, flaws and all, and still feel loved and accepted.

When we’re securely attached, we don’t have to keep proving our worth or hide the parts of ourselves we fear are “too much” or “not enough.” Love becomes a place of safety, not performance.

That’s the transformation Emma experiences — she moves from chasing approval to allowing herself to be seen. The miracle isn’t that Jack loves her; it’s that she finally believes she’s lovable, even when she’s fully herself.

That’s the heartbeat of secure attachment:
Being known, being accepted, and realizing that love doesn’t disappear when you show up as the real you.

From Protection to Connection

By the end of the movie, we see a shift in Jack too. He walks to the back of the plane where Emma is seated and finally begins to open up. As the plane takes off, he admits that he’s deeply afraid of flying.

And what does Emma do? She responds to this reach. She holds him, kisses him, and says, “Keep talking.”

That moment captures what emotional safety feels like — Emma helping him ride out his fear, but not alone.

That’s the essence of secure attachment: emotions met with empathy instead of judgment. Both partners feel safe to be vulnerable, to be themselves, and to know they are loved as they are.

 “Too Much” and “Not Enough”

One of the reasons I appreciate the model of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is that it invites clients to walk into painful emotions they’ve worked hard to avoid, so those emotions can finally heal.

In Stage 2 of EFT, once the negative cycle has been de-escalated, we explore how early experiences shaped people’s views of themselves and others.

Maybe you learned that emotions were “a problem,” and that being emotional made you too much for others — so you learned to stay cheerful or quiet to keep the peace. Over time, you began to believe that vulnerability drives people away.

Or perhaps every time you turned to someone for comfort, you were belittled or ignored. Your nervous system learned there was no safety in reaching for another, so you taught yourself to manage alone.

We carry these working models of ourselves and others — often formed in childhood — into adult relationships. Humans are resourceful and resilient; we find ways to cope, even if those strategies aren’t always healthy or helpful. When these old wounds show up in adult love, they often fuel the negative cycles that distressed couples get stuck in.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, looks at a child’s bond with their primary caregiver and its influence on their emotional development and future relationships. Bowlby believed this early bond was a blueprint for how individuals approach and navigate relationships. The responsiveness and consistency of a parent/caregiver’s behavior play a crucial role in shaping the child’s sense of security, trust, and emotional well-being, even into adulthood.

When a child experiences a strong, consistent bond with a loving caregiver, they are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. This means they learn to trust others, express their emotions openly, and form healthy, balanced relationships in adulthood. Securely attached individuals tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. This allows them to communicate vulnerablely, connect deeply with others, and believe the best about their “special person.”

On the other hand, if a child’s bond with their caregiver is inconsistent, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable, the child may develop an insecure attachment style. This can lead to emotional disregulation, lack of trust, and communication difficulties in future relationships. For example, a child whose parent is not consistent in their responsiveness to them or whose behaviour causes the child to feel that love is conditional on their performance may develop an anxious attachment style, where they constantly seek reassurance and fear rejection. Alternatively, a child who has an emotionally distant parent/caregiver who rarely is attuned to them and is often preoccupied with their own needs may develop an avoidant attachment style, where they struggle to be vulnerable or rely on others. A disorganized attachment style (also known as fearful-avoidant attachment) is most often developed as a response to trauma when a child’s parent/caregiver, who is their only source of safety, also becomes a source of fear. This leads to behaviors that have traits of both the avoidant and the anxiously attached and sends very mixed and confusing signals (come here and go away!).

While not everyone who experiences the situations mentioned above will develop an insecure attachment style, these descriptions can help people make better sense of themselves and their emotional responses in relationships. This awareness is essential because attachment styles can impact romantic partnerships, friendships, work relationships, and even how we parent our children.

The most hopeful part of my work with clients is that shifting from insecure attachment patterns to more secure ones is possible. It is possible for people who have lived many years with insecure attachments to learn to foster healthier relationships and deeper emotional connections with themselves and others.

Common Attachment Styles in Relationships:

• Secure: Comfortable with emotions, intimacy, and healthy communication.
• Anxious: Fears abandonment, craves reassurance and may become emotionally overwhelmed.
• Avoidant: Prioritizes independence, struggles with vulnerability, and avoids emotional closeness.
• Disorganized: A mix of anxious and avoidant, leading to confusing and mixed signals (come here and go away!).

How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships

Attachment styles can shape how we connect with our romantic partners. This is most often apparent in how one communicates, manages conflict, and expresses emotional needs. It also influences how comfortable one feels with vulnerability and how one reacts when experiencing emotional distress in a relationship.

For instance, individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to be more sensitive to signs of potential rejection or abandonment. They often seek constant reassurance and closeness from their partner to alleviate their insecurities. While this is an attempt to feel secure, it can overwhelm their partner, especially if the partner has an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant individuals are more likely to pull away when they feel too emotionally overwhelmed or confined. They often prefer to work through their emotional challenges independently and prioritize independence. They may struggle to understand or meet the emotional demands of an anxious partner, leading to frustration and distance.

This mismatch between the anxious partner’s need for reassurance and the avoidant partner’s need for space can create tension and misunderstanding. The anxious partner might feel ignored or unloved when their closeness needs are unmet. In contrast, the avoidant partner may feel excluded or criticized for being emotionally unavailable. Over time, this dynamic can result in emotional burnout, resentment, and communication breakdowns. Both partners may feel frustrated, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected from each other, even though both are trying to meet their needs in the relationship.

On the other hand, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have a healthier balance between intimacy and independence. They are more comfortable expressing their needs and emotions while respecting their partner’s boundaries. This allows for more transparent communication and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, reducing the likelihood of miscommunications or emotional overwhelm. Securely attached partners are more likely to navigate conflict calmly and constructively, reinforcing trust and connection.

Understanding attachment styles and how they influence relationship behavior is essential for creating a healthy, supportive partnership. By recognizing and addressing these dynamics, couples can break the cycle of misunderstanding and work toward a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. 

Is Your Attachment Style Impacting Your Relationship?

• Secure: You’re comfortable with your emotions, and your relationship feels stable.
• Anxious: You often seek reassurance or worry about your partner’s feelings.
• Avoidant: You feel distant even when the relationship is good.
• Disorganized: You crave closeness but fear intimacy.

Recognize this Pattern?

After an argument, an anxiously attached partner typically wishes to solve the disagreement immediately. In contrast, an avoidant partner may need time to themselves. The more anxious partner (also called a pursuer in EFCT) continues to try to resolve the disagreement. In contrast, the more avoidant partner (a withdrawer in EFCT) repeatedly tries to get space or end the conversation. This further causes the couple to clash, and neither partner’s needs can be met.

Partner A: Do you love me? (Accusing tone.)

Partner B: Of course I do. How many times have I told you?

Partner A: Well, it doesn’t feel like it. (Tears, looks down, turns away.)

Partner B: (Sighs, exasperated.) Well, maybe you have a problem then. I can’t help it if you don’t feel loved. (Set mouth, lecturing tone.)

Partner A: Right. So it’s my problem, is it? Nothing to do with you, right? Nothing to do with your ten feet thick walls. You’re an emotional cripple. You’ve never felt a real emotion in your life.

Partner B: I refuse to talk to you when you get like this. So irrational. There is no point.

Partner A: Right. This is what always happens. You put up your wall. You go icy. Till I get tired and give up. Then, after a while, when you want sex, you decide that I am not quite so bad after all.

Partner B: There is no point in talking to you. This is a shooting gallery. You’re so aggressive.

*from Dr. Sue Johson’s book Hold Me Tight

Recognize Yourself?

Examples of Attachment Styles in Relationships:

Do you find yourself…

Comfortable with expressing your emotions/needs?

Trusting that your relationship is stable and strong?

Being able to balance both independence and closeness?

You likely have a secure attachment style.

Constantly seeking reassurance?

Assuming the worst?

Being overly preoccupied with your partner’s feelings and behaviors?

You likely have an anxious attachment style.

Struggling to be vulnerable?

Feeling distant or wanting distance, even when the relationship is good?

Prioritizing independence?

You likely have an avoidant attachment style.

Seeking closeness but also afraid of intimacy?

Not trusting others?

Feeling confused or overwhelmed?

You likely have a disorganized attachment style.

EFCT: A Path to a Healthier Relationship

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps partners understand and manage emotions, strengthening bonds. Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT focuses on recognizing, expressing, and transforming emotions to create lasting change. It’s especially effective for couples with insecure attachment styles.

The Goals of EFCT:

Like any therapeutic approach, EFCT has specific goals:

1. To Gain Awareness: “What do I long for when acting like this?” “What is the primary (more vulnerable emotion) I feel right now?” “What was the trigger (what happened right before I felt or reacted this way)

2. Encourage More Clear Expression of Needs:  “When this happens, inside I feel (name of primary emotion). I recognize when I feel this way, sometimes I (protective emotional strategy). It would help me if you could/we could (healthy emotional response).

3. To Create greater Emotional Responsiveness, the partner:

✔ Acknowledges the emotion (“I hear you… you’re feeling anxious and unsure.”)

✔ Offers reassurance (“You haven’t done anything wrong.”)

✔ Reaffirms the connection (“How can I be there for you?”)

4. Repair From Attachment Injuries (A betrayal of trust/abandonment at a crucial moment of need.)

EFCT can help foster the development of a secure attachment style. An anxious partner can learn to self-soothe, while an avoidant partner can learn to express vulnerability. Throughout this process, partners can learn to meet and understand each other’s emotional needs. EFCT has proven helpful in identifying and stopping the negative cycle associated with differing attachment styles that may be causing conflicts within interpersonal relationships.

“Why can’t we comminicate”? This is one of the most common concerns that couples cite when they begin counselling with me. In recent weeks, as restrictions ease and and certain pre-lock down activities resume, like-going to restaurants, working out, visiting friends and travelling around the “Maritime bubble”, I’ve had many couples tell me they are arguing more often as they to navigate their differing comfort levels.

Daily, there are questions like; should we eat out or cook at home? Do I work out at the gym or in the basement? Will we attend the family reunion? Is it safe to send our kids back to school?

One partner might have a chronic or acute illness and be at risk for complications from the virus.

Maybe one partner has parents who are older and more vulnerable and feels more apprehensive about increasing social interactions.

Or, perhaps one partner prefers the quiet, slower pace enforced by the pandemic, and doesn’t long to return to their pre-pandemic hustle and bustle.

However, if the other partner craves social connection with others or longs to return to their pre-lockdown routine as closely as possible, this can cause friction in the relationship as the couple seeks to adapt to new realities.

For many couples, these daily routines and decisions had long been addressed. They feel surprised and frustrated by the increase in conflict and poor communication, now that the answers to these questions may no longer seem so clear.

While our present circumstances certainly provide plenty of content for disagreements, any number of topics can be at the heart of a couple’s failure to communicate. Some of the most common topics that couples cite are; sex, finances, kids, in-laws and how much time to spend together.

What Creates a Communication Breakdown?

Why can these particular topics cause communication breakdown so frequently? Kyle Benson, one of my favourite relationship bloggers, says that it’s because they are “issues that are sensitive to our heart-typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship. These issues are often called triggers. Triggers are emotional buttons that we all possess, and when these buttons are pushed, it brings up certain feelings in us and we react accordingly.”

When we are triggered, we lose sight of the impact we have on our partner and the importance of our relationship. We get caught in emotional reactivity, because, according to psychologist and relationship expert Sue Johnson, “our brain codes moments of disconnection in love relationships as a threat.”

The way that our brains react to threatening or dangerous situations is for our amygdala to trigger the fight/flight/freeze response and to prepare the body for an emergency by flooding it with adrenalin and cortisol.

Why Can’t We Communicate Effectively?

Sometimes, under increased emotional stress, people turn down the emotional intensity by turning away from their partners and keep their emotions to themselves. This makes it hard for their partners to understand what they are going through or to provide support.

Other times, people become more reactive and their emotions bubble over. They express their intense feelings by turning against their partner in anger, frustration and criticism.

Bottling up or bubbling over with emotion directed at your partner can create a negative cycle where an argument escalates quickly, leaving both people feeling even more frustrated, confused and alone.

When couples get stuck in this negative cycle they rarely get a chance to deal with the underlying issues, but rather get caught in communication break down.

Even couples who typically communicate well, can experience a communication break down when there are many difficult decisions to make, if emotions are running high or are going through situations that are stressful.

When these moments of disconnection happen often and communication seems to be increasingly difficult, people begin to feel that there are real problems in their relationship.

Learning how to have difficult conversations and to repair when things go off track, will allow you handle relationship stress more effectively and lead to feeling closer in your relationship .

 How to Have A More Productive Conversation

1.  First, on your own, identify the specific scenario that brought up your strong feelings. What was it that your partner did/said? What specific behaviours or body language got under your skin? What exactly were you reacting to?

2.  Then identify the worst, most negative thoughts you have about your partner, yourself or the relationship that arose in that moment as a result of the interaction. (ie. “You don’t care about me”, “You don’t take my needs seriously”, “You’re trying to control me”, “Our relationship won’t survive this”).

3.  Next, choose from the list of emotions here and pick the word(s) that best describe what you are feeling in these moments.

4.  Ask yourself; do you show theses feelings or express them in a clear way to your partner? If not, what feelings do you usually express to them? Often it’s anger, frustration or no feelings at all.

5.  Later, after the emotional intensity has passed, when you are both able to engage in conversation. Have each person take a turn sharing with the other about what happened to them during the ‘rocky moment’. 

“When you stopped talking and looked at your phone when I was trying to tell you about how nervous I was to send Johnny back to school this fall, I felt like you didn’t care about me or take my concerns seriously. I felt really afraid and alone.”

6. Listen attentively to the other person’s experience, accept how you contributed to their distress, even if unintentional, and explore how you can be there for them.

Is It Possible to Improve Communication In Our Relationship?

Once a couple discovers what their triggers are, and works out a way to successfully communicate their thoughts and feelings with each other, they will begin to have more productive conversations.  This help them to see their partner as more accessible, engaged and responsive to them and ultimately feel more statisfied with the communication in the relationship.

As a couple learns what each others vulnerabilities and sensitivities are, they can learn to soothe each others ‘raw spots’. This will bring them closer together and make each person feel more safe and secure as the trust within the relationship deepens.

If you’ve been struggling with relationship communication breakdowns and you just haven’t been able to work out your issues, marriage & couples counselling can be very helpful. I invite you to reach out for a free 15 minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, to help get your relationship back on track.