by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 28, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Grief, Relationships
4 Ways Relationships Might Change When Facing Grief
Experiencing the death of a loved one is often the biggest challenge a person faces. Grieving can feel overwhelming and consume every facet of your life. It is during this time that you need the comfort of others the most, and yet social connections often feel strained or flipped upside-down as you navigate grief and relationships.
Here are four ways relationships can shift when you are trying to navigate the loss of a loved one:
1. Your Support System May Surprise You
You may be surprised who steps up in your greatest hour of need. Some of your closest loved ones, those who have been by your side through dating and childbirth and other life dilemmas, may not be able to be there for you during your bereavement. It is often people you’d least expect who show up to hold your hand while you grieve. An old friend you’ve lost touch with, a co-worker you’ve hardly spoken to but who understands the complexities of living with death… these are sometimes the people who help the hurt go away.
2. You Will Feel Angry – And That’s Okay
You will try and understand why your closest friends and relatives seem to have abandoned you during one of the most painful times in your life. But understanding won’t make the pain of it go away.
Yes, it’s important to realize that not everyone can cope with death and loss, including the people closest to you. It’s also important to recognize that feeling this additional pain, and even anger and resentment about feeling abandoned, is totally normal and okay.
3. People Will Avoid You
Losing loved ones is something all of us will go through, but some people cannot handle this reality. Just the thought of a loved one dying is more than many people can bear. Seeing your pain and sitting with you in your time of darkness will force others to look this stark reality in the face. Many people simply can’t do it. If you find that friends and relatives seem to be avoiding you, understand it is most likely because they cannot handle their own fears of loss.
4. You Will Have Something in Common with Others
For most people, it’s hard to understand certain things until they experience it themselves: Having children, running a marathon, getting divorced. Losing a loved one is certainly on this list as well. While your current group of loved ones will try to empathize with you, the reality is that you now belong to a special club and those who you feel close to and understood by may change.
This does not mean you will no longer feel close to those you did before the loss, but it means you have now changed and how you perceive the world and others has changed as well.
Relationships are hard, and they can be more difficult during periods of loss and grief. It’s important that you are gentle with yourself during this time and seek help. Consider joining a support group. Being around those who share your pain firsthand can be a comfort during this time.
You may also want the guidance of a therapist who can help you navigate your complex emotions and offer tools to work through your grief.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 25, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Issues for Women, Relationships, Sexual Health
A healthy sex life is important to create a full and happy life
Every person has essential human needs. When we don’t get those needs met, our mental and sometimes physical health can suffer as a result. When we think of fundamental human needs, food, shelter, and water come to mind. However, a healthy sex life is also an important component to create a full and happy life for many people.
While it’s not physically or psychologically unhealthy for someone to live an asexual or celibate life, for people that crave the intimacy of a sexual relationship, a healthy sex life is a vital part of a full and happy life. Sex is not only part of a fulfilling life for many people, it also supports good mental health in many ways.
Four Ways a Healthy Sex Life Improves Your Mental Health
1. Boosts Serotonin
Low serotonin can cause you to be unable to create or act on plans and strategies. If you have low serotonin, you might have difficulty finishing tasks. You might also become easily agitated, feel a bit down in the dumps, or be unable to control your impulses.
Sex boosts serotonin, which helps improve your mood and fight off depression. Additionally, one of the hormones released during orgasm is serotonin, leaving you feeling soothed from stress and anxiety.
2. Boosts Self Esteem
A lack of sex can be harmful, causing your self-worth and confidence to plummet. When you have sex, the feelings of intimacy with your partner, as well as feeling nurtured and desired boosts your self-confidence and overall well-being.
3. Leads to Better Sleep
Sex also improves how you sleep. It’s very common to fall asleep after sex because your body releases prolactin, a hormone that helps you feel rested and relaxed. The orgasm also releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes sleep. Since a lack of sleep can worsen a mental health disorder, or increase your risk for developing one, better sleep promotes a healthier, more refreshed you.
4. Makes you happy
The cuddling and physical intimacy of sex also gives a boost to your happiness. Endorphins are one of the many chemicals released in the brain during sex. Endorphins are the neurotransmitters associated with the feeling of happiness, causing your mood to brighten overall as it helps lift depression.
Are you struggling with depression or anxiety and looking for guidance and support? A licensed therapist can help you find ways to boost your mood, and work with you to develop a plan to improve your quality of life. Call my office today, and let’s set up a time to talk.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Apr 22, 2020 | Depression, Emotions, Grief, Issues for Women, Relationships, Stress & Coping
It’s been a shocking week in Nova Scotia. The unexplainable actions that left so much devastation have been discussed in nearly every therapy session I’ve had.
It seems that the old adage about ‘6 degrees of separation’ doesn’t hold up for Nova Scotians. As close knit, connected Maritimers, it feels like we have all been touched in some way.
When we are upset and grieving, people often try to help by giving advice or making comments, with the best of intentions, but they can inadvertently cause much more pain.
Because there are so many misperceptions about grief and the grief process, here are some things I want you to know.
1. Feel your emotions don’t try to forget the pain.
Because the grieving process can be so painful many people (and well meaning friends) think that the best thing to do is to fix or forget the pain. This is actually not the best way to deal with grief.
Using excessive busyness, over eating, shopping, binge watching television or drinking/drug use or any other means to distract, numb, avoid or minimize your feelings can become unhelpful in the long run.
In fact, over using these strategies to deal with your emotions can potentially lead you into painful and destructive situations.
Truth is, this loss you have experienced is a part of your story. While it will most certainly become less raw and painful over time, you will never forget that this has happened to you. This experience will shape you and change you. No matter what, you cannot make what you have gone through disappear from your memory.
2.Find a safe community of people to support you
One of the easiest ways to gather people around you is to be brave enough to tell people what you need and also to articulate what is helpful (and not!) for you.
It’s been my experience that people are well-meaning, but don’t intuitively know what to do.
Make a list of things you need done (school pick-ups, babysitting, meals, etc.) so that when people ask how they can help, you have some ready suggestions.
If you need a friend to be a listening ear (rather than an advice giver and fixer) it can be helpful to share this with your friend so that she knows how best to support you.
3.There is no ‘right’ way to grieve
In the 1990s, while at university, I had my first personal experience of loss. I was simultaneously taking undergraduate psychology courses and learned very well-known five stages of grief, as postulated by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: these are the five stages of grief, so well-known it’s now engrained in pop culture.
I was surprised that my own experience of grief did not follow this model, since I was distinctly left with the impression from my textbooks, that there should be some sort of progression to my deep sadness.
At the time of the book’s publication, very little instruction was given in medical school on the subject of death and dying, which was what motivated Kübler-Ross to share her findings in her work with terminally ill patients.
Before her death in 2004, Kübler-Ross noted in her book On Grief and Grieving that the five stages were not meant to be a linear and predictable progression of grief, and that she regretted that the stages had been misinterpreted.
Coinciding with Kübler-Ross’ own remarks on the five stages, there appears to be no evidence that people go through any or all of these stages, or in any particular order. As unique as is each individual and their relationships, so too is their experience with the grieving process.
4. Cry
There is a strange perception in our culture that we need to get over our loss and that things that remind us of our loss are bad. It’s as though somehow need to stop noticing that our lives have been altered and the sooner we “get over it”, the better.
So many of the grieving people I work with are under the impression that they need to “move on” from their loss and that the sign that they talk less about their loved one and that they appear less visibly upset.
Tears actually help us to release stress hormones, soothe our emotions and feel a lift in our mood, thanks to the production of oxytocin that accompanies them.
5.Tell Stories
Unfortunately, many people who are grieving, find themselves facing “the elephant in the room”. Friends, family and co-workers seem to be unsure how to talk to you all of a sudden! Many seem afraid to mention anything remotely related to your loss, let alone address it directly.
Let me encourage you to find someone with whom you can share these stories. If there is no one in your circle, experiment with journalling or drawing or writing your story as a means of remembering.
Although grief has no particular stages, timeline or ending, it doesn’t mean that we will grieve in the same way forever. The people that we love and lose are forever engrained in our hearts and minds.
Over time, the indescribable sorrow of grief morphs into a sort of bittersweet gratitude: still sad that we lost our loved one, but happy and grateful for the gift of sharing our life and time with them.
If you are struggling with grief and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out. I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Mar 27, 2020 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Relationships, Women's Issues
Last week, my husband went shopping at the Superstore. Somehow while he was gone, I came across a video about wiping down produce and containers brought home from the grocery store.
It was late when he got home, and I was already in bed, but I wasn’t too tired to mention my thoughts about wiping down the watermelon in the fridge.
My husband kindly offered to help, even though this is not something he would have done without my prompting.
His responsiveness helped us to avert what could have been a late night anxiety fuelled disagreement.
Fast forward to a few days later when he got an email from the Superstore telling him to monitor himself for symptoms as a staff member had been diagnosed with COVID-19.
Now we’re both feeling relieved.
Under the strain and stress of our current circumstances, many couples are getting stuck in distance, disagreements and hostility.
The pressure of having kids at home while simultaneously needing to school them, be productive at work and keep up with household tasks is a recipe for increased tension.
Add to this, the uncertainty and financial tensions that this pandemic has caused and the anxiety of falling ill, and many couples feel pushed to the brink.
According to recent news, the COVID-19 pandemic has been hard on relationships. I read this week that divorce rates in China rose significantly once the quarantine was lifted, and while there could be many factors contributing to this statistic, doubt, living in tight quarters under stressful conditions played a part.
Even couples who have a decent relationship, might find that things feels strained over the next few months. Thankfully, stress and strain don’t have to push the two of you apart. There are some evidence-based habits that can help you and your partner navigate the unknown as you both adjust to this ‘new normal’.
1) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotions
Truth is, most of us are feeling a little messed up right now. Whether it is the uncertainty of your financial situation, the pressures of working out of a makeshift office indefinitely while your kids bicker in the background or the grief of missing out on events you can’t attend or activities you can’t participate in, all of us are facing a certain amount of emotional upheaval.
Yet, the strange thing is, no matter how much we love our spouse, when we feel anxious, overwhelmed or irritable we often take it out on them.
When our emotions are heightened, our vulnerable feelings can comes out as anger and frustration. We argue over details about about kids and scheduling or opinions about hand hygiene rather than having a more vulnerable conversation.
If we remain disconnected from our own emotional experience and show our more reactive emotions to our spouse, rather than acknowledging what is really going on for us, it’s unlikely we will get the connection and support we need.
Take the time you need for self-care. Try some strategies to manage anxiety and worry more effectively. Enter into your conversations with loved ones with an open heart.
2) Be Present
Two is better than one, is more than just a pithy saying; connection with someone we are close to literally makes difficult tasks seem less daunting. In this study, researchers found that study participants estimated a hill to be less high if they were with (or imagining being with) a close supportive other.
It’s fascinating; rejection and isolation are coded in our brains in the same way as physical pain. By the same token, loving responsiveness from a loved one is soothing to our nervous system and helps us to find our sense of emotional balance. Hand holding has even been shown in fMRI studies to make the pain from a shock less painful. Emotional connection with a safe loved other soothes our nervous system and gives us the perspective of obstacles being less hard to climb.
Look for ways that you can can connect, even briefly, to be present for each other in the midst of this chaos.
Can you still have coffee together before parting ways to your own separate parts of the house for your work day?
Or send each other jokes by text?
Go for a walk together before dinner?
Simply being in the same space as your partner is not the same as being present with them. When your partner comes to talk or ask for support, be sure to respond. Put your phone down or turn off the TV. Hold hands. Tune into to what they are saying.
3) Be Responsive
Sue Johnson, a leading couples therapy expert and creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy says that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks relationships.
Being able to identify and speak our needs directly in a way that helps our partner to lovingly respond, is an important part of a healthy relationship.
I truly felt cared about and slept much better because my husband responded to my late night request to wipe down fruit.
In tight quarters, under emotional strain, it can be more difficult to be tuned into the needs of our significant other. But doing your best to be responsive to them will undoubtedly go a long way to improving your ‘togetherness’ in this crisis.
How can you be responsive to your partner?
Sit and truly listen without going to a fix-it response?
Offer a hug?
Ask them what they most need from you?
I believe that this can be a time for you and your spouse to learn to relate to each other differently and grow stronger as a couple through this weird and unexpected time.
*If you are experiencing intimate partner violence or feel unsafe in your relationship please use this link to reach out for help.*
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Aug 16, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships
Getting through a break up is not easy. Even if you are the one who decided to leave the relationship, it can make you feel like you’ve fallen into a deep dark pit.
Sometimes it can be hard to make sense of all of the emotions that come up or to understand why you are struggling so much.
Well-meaning friends and family don’t seem to understand. They insist you just need to get on a dating site or to agree to being set up with someone. If only you would do this, they tell you, getting though this break up won’t be so hard. Eventually, they say, you’ll forget about your old relationship.
But inside, you feel consumed by grief, anxiety about the future and plenty of self-criticism about the past. And, no matter how hard you try you just can’t move on.
I know that things may feel dark right now, but I’ve got two things I want you to know.
First, there is nothing flawed with you because you are finding this is hard. Your struggle and experience is valid and difficult. We’re biologically wired for attachment and connection. When a relationship comes to an end, it’s an innate, natural human reaction in the part of our brains that detects a “threat” become activated.
From a neuroscience perspective, then, this explains why find ourselves feeling a whole host of emotions like rejection, anger and fear. It also explains why we can get caught thinking repeatedly about this person or the relationship that has ended.
The second thing is that it is possible to get through this break up and feel whole again.
Diane Poole Heller, a leading expert in the field of adult attachment theory, trauma resolution, and integrative healing techniques teaches that we are fundamentally designed to heal.
Even if you relationship ended because of attachment traumas like infidelity. Or, you have a past history of painful relationships dating back to your childhood, emotional health and learning how to experience secure attachment again is possible.
6 tips to help deal with a break up
1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings
Yes, I know, no one wants to feel sad, lonely or rejected, but trying to ignore, distract or numb yourself from this reality will bring about greater suffering in the long term. Experiment with naming the feelings as they come up.
There is some solid research to indicate that recognizing, naming and acknowledging our emotions can actually help us move through that state of being more quickly and feel less fear and anxiety.
2. Discover your passions
When we are in a relationship, even a healthy one, we cannot always devote as much time to our passions as we might like. It can be a challenge to carve out time to keep connected with our partner and spend as much time as we would like pursuing out passions.
There are definite benefits of being single, and this is one of them. Always wanted to learn how to make ceramics? Travel the world? Try something new at the gym?
While it might not feel like it right now, being single does allow you to be more focused on what you need and want.
3. Practice Gratitude
This is not the story you wanted. You never imagined being 26…or 42….or 57 and having to start over and rebuild your life.
Gratitude under these circumstances might seem like the furthest thing from your mind.
But there is some solid evidence that practicing gratitude helps shape our minds, feelings and behaviour. And that might be just what you need right now. Read on to find out more about the practice of gratitude.
4. Be smart with social media
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard something that sounds like this “I though I was doing OK with our break up. Then I decided to look them up on social media. I wasn’t ready to see them _______________. Now I feel like I am falling apart and can’t stop thinking about what I saw.
The draw to use social media to check on your ex is makes sense. Here is this person that was once so so close to you and now it feels like you’ve been cut loose.
The urge to know what they are up to can feel so strong. People mistakenly think that if they use social media to ‘get some closure’ they will be able to move on. But honestly, I’ve never heard someone say that creeping their ex on social media helped them heal or feel more whole after the end of the relationship. So, just don’t.
5. Revisit your Values
What kind of a person do you want to be? How do you want to show up as a partner in a relationship when you get back int one?
Sometimes when we are in a relationship, we get out of alignment with our values.
Now is the time to take stock. You can use this 7 day Workbook to help you dive deeper into this.
Living in alignment with your values and knowing that you can have a rich and meaningful life, whether you are single or in a relationship, is healing.
6. Find a good therapist
This is especially true if you experienced violence or abuse of any kind in your relationship, or have a history of relational trauma (with parents or previous partners). Often people with a history of wounds from previous relationships, have or develop anxious, avoidant or disorganize attachment styles.
Why does this matter?
Because our attachment styles often come with us into our next relationship. This could lead us into potentially unhealthy ways of having our needs met or choosing a partner who is not truly emotionally available. You can learn to build healthy secure attachment with the help of a therapist.
Remember, grieving the loss of a relationship is completely normal. Give yourself the time and space you need to get through the breakup.If you need someone to help you through your breakup, please reach out to book a session with me.
by Restore. Renew. Revive. | Jul 12, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships
If you’ve landed on this page after searching “I want to leave but he wants couples counselling”, you are likely feeling confused, hurt, frustrated and lonely in your relationship.
Grappling with the difficult choice of whether to stay in a troubled relationship or leave, is not easy.
After all, when you got together, you had the intention of staying together.
Even though you know it’s cliche, you really did hope to live happily ever after.
Yet, despite all your hopes and dreams in the beginning, and all your good intentions now, there are days when it seems impossible to continue.
You’ve lived through too many battles and experienced so many unresolved hurts. It’s no wonder, at least intellectually, you’re considering moving on.
If you’re wrestling with thoughts of leaving your relationship, you’re not alone. A study of by The National Divorce Decision-Making Project that surveyed married individuals (ages 25-50) found that 1 in 4 (25%) survey participants reported some recent thoughts about divorce. Of those that had recently thought about divorce, 40% have spoken with their spouse about these thoughts.
Perhaps you are considering sharing these feelings with your partner or, maybe you’ve already made your thoughts known.
Either way, what’s clear is that they don’t agree with the decision to break up.
It’s not uncommon for me to get a call from a prospective client asking “I want to leave, he wants couples counselling. What should we do?”
It’s been my experience, that this conversation is often what prompts couples who have let frustration, disconnection and resentment build up in their relationship for a long time, decide to seek couples counselling.
Because it has been hard for so long, it makes perfect sense that one, or both, of you are skeptical or unsure if counselling can help.
Even if one or both of you have very little hope that things can be different, if you are both are open to exploring the possibility, couples therapy can be very helpful.
However, there are some situations when traditional marriage & couples counselling is not going to be a right fit:
- If one person is having an affair and does not want to leave their affair partner
- If one person is committed to separation/divorce and has their mind made up
- If one person is not willing to attend couples therapy. Attending therapy is not something you want to pressure or talk your partner into.
- If there is intimate partner violence and you don’t feel safe
Can couples therapy help us?
Research studies on the effect of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) consistently show that it decreases relationship distress. These improvements not only happen during therapy, but continue after therapy has concluded.
EFT is an evidence based therapy rooted in attachment science and neurobiology. Studies such as “Soothing The Threatened Brain” confirm, through the use of modern science, that therapy can help shape loving feelings between partners and change the way our brains respond to threat and pain.
Marriage counselling can help you;
- Identify behavioural patterns that are keeping you and your partner stuck
- Help each partner can gain new insights about their primary (softer) emotions and learn to communicate these in the relationship
- Resolve conflict effectively by first having you experience successful communication in session and showing you how to do it between sessions too
- Deepen your sense of empathy and connection with your partner as you begin to know them more fully
I Want to Leave and he Wants Couples Counselling.
You may not be 100% sure that you want to pursue a separation, but you are sure that you do not want to go to couples counselling to talk about restoring your relationship.
You have expressed your desire to leave but your spouse wants to go to couples counselling.
Discernment Counselling is designed for you.
Unlike traditional marriage & couples counselling which is aimed at rebuilding your relationship, Discernment Counselling is designed to guide you and your partner, through a series of conversations to help you conclude what direction you will move in.
These conversations help couples, where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship and the other is “leaning in”. Or, in other words, both partners do not have the same goals for their relationship going into therapy.
How does Discernment Counselling Help Me?
Discernment counselling helps both partners look at their contribution to the state of the relationship. Part of a Discernment Counselling session is spent 1:1 with a therapist.
If you are the “leaning in” spouse, you will learn new skills to help you cope effectively in the midst of these difficult circumstances. You will also explore some of the ways you have contributed to the challenges you currently face in your relationship.
If you are the”leaning out” spouse you will gain greater clarity concerning the difficult decision you are making. The objective of discernment counselling for the “leaning out” spouse is, in part, to help you consider all the implications so that you can feel more certain that you are making the best choice possible.
Following 1:1 time, the three of us will meet together to discuss what each of you have learned in your individual meetings and help you evaluate if you are ready to commit to a course of action- to pursue a separation or to commit to a 6-month course of couples therapy.
Discernment Counselling is a short term form of help (up to 5 sessions) and is considered successful when both partners have an increased understanding of what went wrong in the relationship and how they want to move forward.
Will this help me decide if I want to leave?
Making the decision to stay married or to separate is a very difficult and complex. An experienced relationship therapist can help you individually to sort through your own thoughts and feelings, but, they do not know your partner or their side of the relationship.
The benefit of Discernment Counselling is that there is a specific roadmap for the therapist to follow. It is a structured process that can help both of you look at your relationship and the decision you face more objectively It gives both of you emotional support through the process.
By the end of the Discernment Counselling sessions, you will have explored these 4 key questions;
-“What has happened to your marriage that has gotten you to the point where separation/divorce is a possibility?”
-“What have you done to try to fix these problems so that you didn’t get to this point? It might be things you tried individually, as a couple, or with outside help.”
-“What role, if any, do your children play in your decision making about the future of your marriage?”
– “What was the best of times in your relationship since you met? A time when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship.”
If you’ve been struggling with a strained romantic relationship, marriage & couples counselling can be very helpful. I invite you to reach out for a free 15 minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, to help get your relationship back on track.I have completed training by the Doherty Relationship Institute as a Certified Discernment Counsellor. I also have extensive training and experience as an Emotional Focused Couples Therapist.
