3 Ways Individual Counseling Can Help Your Marriage

3 Ways Individual Counseling Can Help Your Marriage

by | Jul 5, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships

Even happily married couples can hit obstacles along the way. Did you know that individual counselling can be helpful, even when your partner is not interested or able to attend couples therapy.

John Gottman, is an American psychologist, researcher and clinician who has studied divorce and marital stability for more than 40 years.  He found that couples are in distressed relationships for more than 6 years before seeking help. That is a long time to struggle.

In my clinical practice, people often tell me that they have waited to come to therapy until their partner was willing or able to seek help.  The person who has been waiting, often expresses a mix of relief and frustration when their partner finally agrees to come to counselling.  They feel like they have been wrestling with the problems in their relationship all by themselves for a long time. 

 Many people assume that when their partner is unwilling or unable to come to therapy, that they have to wait tho see a therapist until both people can see one together.

While I there is solid research that shows the effectiveness of couples counselling for resolving relationship problems, if your spouse is unwilling or unable to come, I would encourage you to consider coming to counselling on your own.  

Individual counselling can help you learn new skills and strategies to cope in your relationship. And while there is no guarantee that your partner will be responsive to your changes, individual counselling can help you feel like you are coping in the best possible way with the challenges in your relationship.

3 Ways Individual Counselling can Help Your Relationship.

 

1.  Identifying Behavioral Patterns

 Most of us are aware of our partner’s behaviours but less focused on our own.  

In a struggling relationship, it is not uncommon for the focus to be the other person’s behaviour.  But when you can’t seem to get them to change, the problems in your marriage can seem overwhelming and discouraging.

But here’s the truth. I have never met a someone who said their behaviour was transformed because their partner continually pointed out their flaws and shortcomings.

 If you are going to help things improve in your relationship, getting clear about your own steps in ‘the dance’ and making sense of why you keep going back to these same old unhelpful behaviours is so important.  

 Individual Therapy Can Help You Recognize Your Own Negative Patterns

 As someone who specializes in marriage and couples therapy, I am trained to help individuals recognize their own negative patterns and how they play out in their relationship.

 I can help you get clear about the kind of responses that you would rather give, even when things are strained between the two of you.

Individual therapy can help you learn to slow down your reactions so you can intentionally behave in ways that are more like the kind of partner you want to be.

 Individual therapy will help you make better sense of what happens to you emotionally in conflict situations.  You can learn to recognize triggers for behaviour that ends up getting you and your partner stuck.

 As a result, you will be empowered and able to take a step back during conflicts as they occur, preventing escalation.

 As a bonus, a therapist can also point out the strengths and resources they find in your relationship so you can leverage and learn how to nourish them.

 2. Change at the Root Level

Once your therapist has helped you identify negative patterns, they can then help you understand why they are happening and assist you in changing them. Most behavioral patterns are formed and ingrained when we are very young – before we become self-aware and before we’ve met our significant others.

 Our attachment strategies, how we seek to maintain closeness with others,  are formed early in life and have a lot to do with our first relationship with a primary caregiver.  

 Lesley Becker-Phelps, author of Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make you Feel Jealous, Needy and Worried notes that your current attachment style is probably the same as what was nurtured in your childhood relationships.  If you never experienced as sense of security in your relationship, were fearful of being rejected or had a desire for closeness you could never satisfy, you are likely to still struggle with some of these worries.  

 The ways in which people deal with these ‘attachment insecurities’  are known as attachment styles, which describe how you relate to yourself (how worthy you feel of being loved which can create anxiety) and significant other in a relationship (how much you feel you can rely on others which can create avoidance).  The 4 attachment styles; preoccupied, fearful, dismissive and secure, reflect varying characteristic of anxiety/avoidance.   You can read more about attachment styles in this awesome book.  

 Even if you have never experienced a close, connected relationship, you can develop a more secure attachment style known as “earned secure attachment”.  While this often happens in adult love relationships, earned secure attachment can also develop in therapy.  This happens because of several key events;   a strong alliance with your therapist.  and learning to become more self-aware and self-compassionate.  

 Having a more secure attachment style and a sense of compassion for yourself  can create a positive difference in your relationship.

 

3. Coping Strategies

We often reach for  unworkable coping strategies.  Things like opting out (not doing something or going somewhere), distracting ourselves (hello, Netflix binges!) and numbing ourselves with food, alcohol, drugs, etc. are all effective in the short term to get rid of uncomfortable sensations and emotions.

 The problem is that in the long term, overusing these strategies often leads us away from being the kind of person and the kind of partner we want to be.

The emotional pain of being in a struggling relationship can often lead people to get caught in a vicious cycle of overusing these unworkable coping strategies.

This impacts their relationship, leading to further conflict, which leads to more unworkable coping strategies.  Individual therapy can help learn new ways to regulate your emotions and find more compassion for yourself, both of which can have an impact on your relationship. 

 

While these things may not directly ‘working on’ your relationship, they can give you the emotional balance you need to do things differently. 

 

If after checking out this blog post you realize that you’d benefit from individual therapy to improve your relationship, let’s chat. I work with women and couples in Halifax/Dartmouth/Sackville and surrounding areas at my Bedford Office.  

 

 You can book a free 15 minute consultation  online or call Stephanie at (902) 702-7722 to schedule an appointment.

 

 All my best,

 

 Marcy 

Why You Keep Arguing With Your Partner + 3 Things You Can do About It.

Why You Keep Arguing With Your Partner + 3 Things You Can do About It.

by | Jun 28, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships

You can see the same old argument coming from a mile away.

Worse yet, you already know how it ends.

You’ve tried all the positive communication strategies you can think of; a soft lead in and using “I statements” but somehow in the heat of it all, things fall apart.

Here’s an awesome worksheet to help you make sense of why you keep getting caught up in arguing with your partner.

Have a look at it now, and then read on to learn more about what is keeping the two of you stuck.

Maybe for you, a repeating argument with your partner goes something like this:

You: I’m just wondering why are you always on your phone?

You: You know how much I hate that. I’m so sick of coming home and finding you on the couch.

Them: Mhmmmm.

You: Did you hear me?

Them: Yup.

You: (more angrily now) Then why are you still sitting there like that? What are you doing? Who are you texting?

Them: Why are you being so controlling? You’re always telling me what to do and how to live my life. I’m sick of it. You’re so cranky and irritating. I’m done talking to you about this.

Of course, you never intended for this conversation to turn into an argument with your partner!

 

You have no idea why things seem to go sideways in your conversations and you are genuinely confused about why you consistently misunderstand each other.

If all couples argue, why do some couples end up getting more and more distant  and pissed off with each other while others seem to be able to work it out?

The short answer is that couples can get stuck in a negative pattern of reacting (triggering) each other that they don’t know how to get out of.  

This predictable pattern can get started over virtually any topic.

The argument gets started, and keeps going, because each person is pushing the others person’s  buttons in an attempt to get their needs met and find a sense of emotional balance.

If you and your partner score low on emotional responsiveness, you are more likely to get caught in these predictable patterns of heated exchanges.  Over time, this stuck pattern will leave you both feeling frustrated and alone. ( If you haven’t taken last week’s quiz, check that out here.)

Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, coined the term Demon Dialogues to describe these stuck patterns of communication.

Maybe you recognize yourself in one of these:

1. FIND THE BAD GUY

You know you’re caught up in this destructive communication pattern if you and your partner  accuse or blame each other for the struggles in the relationship. The hallmark of this pattern is mutually attacking, blaming and faulting the other person.

This happens when one person is triggered by feelings of being misunderstood, judged negatively or  blamed unfairly by the other.  They then resort to pointing out all the faults and shortcomings of their partner in a reactive way.

This ‘blame game’ goes around and around leaving both people feeling distant and disconnected.  This heated attack-attack pattern is hard to keep up, and often leads to the second demon dialogue. 

2. THE PROTEST POLKA

It is widely accepted that a demand-withdraw pattern of communication between partners is connected to higher levels of divorce.  But why?

It’s because our brain’s wired in need for connection and security keep this  negative cycle in play with one partner demanding connection and the other shutting down or turning away.

It might sound like one person criticizing the other for being on the phone too much or spending too much time our with friends or at work.

Although it may not seem like it, this partner is protesting the feeling of being disconnected from their significant other.

However, in response to this perceived criticism, the other partner withdraws, shuts down or moves away emotionally. They may shut down conversations, dismiss the other person’s concerns or leave the room when the tone of the conversation heats up.

Both partners are missing each other’s distress signals. They are unknowingly confirming each others work fears.  One partner is demanding, actively protesting the disconnection; the other is withdrawing, quietly protesting the implied criticism.

Over time, this stuck cycle leads to the most disconnected dance of all, freeze and flee. 

3. FREEZE AND FLEE

You’ll know that you and your partner are caught up in this negative cycle if things are remarkably quiet between the two of you. Both of you are so committed to avoiding conflict that hard topics and points of contention just don’t get talked about. To borrow Dr. Johnsons’ metaphor, in this dance, “both partners are sitting it out. It looks like there is nothing at stake; no one seems invested in the dance.”

This often happens when the ‘Protest Polka’ has gone on for so long that the pursuing partner has given up hope that things will change. The pursuing partner has resorted to dealing with the loss of connection in other ways rather than continuing to seek it in the relationship.

It’s not impossible to rebuild your relationship from this demon dialogue, but I strongly encourage you to seek out the help of a skilled marriage & couples counsellor.  

As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist I have a map that will help me guide you and your partner back to a close and connected relationship. 

THREE THINGS YOU CAN DO

1. Recognize that it’s this stuck negative cycle, not an unfixable defect or flaw in your partner that is keeping you apart.

2. Get clear about your steps in the dance. Here is a worksheet for you to reflect on so that you know how you are contributing to the stuck dynamics between you and your partner.

3. Talk about it with your partner. Acknowledge how tough it is when the cycle gets the best of you and how much you want that to change. Maybe you can give your cycle it’s own name and notice when you are getting caught in it.

Relationships are complex, and having a skilled marriage & couples counsellor who can help slow you down and sort through the stuck spots, can be a huge help.

If you’re sick of being caught up in frequent arguments with your partner and feel like you can never get to the bottom of it, consider couples counselling  to learn new ways to get unstuck. 

If after checking out this blog post you and your partner realize that you’d benefit from some help to improve the connection and communication in your relationship, let’s chat. I work with couples in Halifax and surrounding areas from my Bedford Office.  You can book a free 15 minute consultation  online or call Stephanie at (902) 702-7722 to book an appointment.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Marcy

How To Feel Closer in Your Relationship + A Quiz

How To Feel Closer in Your Relationship + A Quiz

by | Jun 21, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Emotions, Relationships

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, I’m guessing you’ve experienced misunderstandings and miscommunications between you and your partner.

There is no healthy relationship that is entirely free of disagreements and it isn’t conflict in itself that is problematic. Sure, no one enjoys feeling misunderstood or getting into an argument with someone they love, but in healthy relationships these moments of disconnection don’t change how you see your relationship or the other person.

Partners in connected relationships know how to revisit these difficult conversations and work through it.

Unfortunately, for many couples, over time, these moments of disconnection seem to happen more often and communication seems to become increasingly difficult. Both people begin to wonder what happened to the harmonious connection they had in the early days of their relationship.  

Partners in disconnected relationships feel discouraged by the destructive communication patterns that seem to be keeping them stuck. 

Let me explain with an example about a fictitious couple, whose relationship is much like the ones I see in my counselling practice

You’ve had a long day at work. You are exhausted. Traffic on the way home from daycare pick up was a nightmare and the kids are wailing in the back seat. Mentally, you try to work through the list of ingredients at home in the fridge to figure out what you can put together in a pinch.

Spaghetti.

 You get home and begin to pull out the ingredients you need and as you reach for the frying pan to cook the meat you realize it is still dirty from the eggs your spouse made this morning. 

You.blow.your.lid.

All the frustration and overwhelmed feeling from the day begin to spill out. You accuse your partner of being lazy and inconsiderate and of never pulling their weight around the house. They are obviously frustrated. But instead of stepping in and helping, they tell you that they have had enough of your foolish talk and that they are going somewhere where they will actually be fed – McDonalds.

 As the door closes behind them you begin to cry. You feel so overwhelmed, hungry and alone. You still need to clean the pan and put supper together for you and the kids. You wipe your tears and settle the kids at the table with a snack to buy you some time to make supper.

You feel so misunderstood by your partner. How could they not see how hard you are trying and what a horrible day you had. You make a mental note that you will never ask them for help again.

Before bed you spend your down time researching 15 minute meals so you won’t depend on your spouse at mealtime again.

Couples Describe This as a Communication Problem

And while it is true that communication between this couple is a part of the problem, the real issue is much deeper.

The reactive behaviours that each person is showing come from our biological need to know that our most important person is accessible, responsive and engaged.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworthy in the 1960s, was applied to the bond between a mother and a child. Ongoing research in this area has shown that even as adults, the need for a safe other to turn to does not go away.

 

After studying countless hours of couples therapy sessions, Dr. Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, concluded that it is our internal ‘attachment alarms’ that drive these reactive behaviours and contribute to the destructive communication patterns that couples can get stuck in.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is backed by 30 years of scientific research and when practiced by a trained therapist following the model, outcome measures show that 70-75 percent of couples move from being distressed to being close and connected and approximately 90 percent show significant improvements.

In this blog series I will introduce you to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and hopefully help you and your partner experiment with some new ways to communicate.

WHY YOU NEED MORE THAN COMMUNICATION SKILLS TRAINING

What does it mean to be emotionally responsive to your partner?  Think back to the ‘disastrous dinner’ scenario for a second.  While you have that in your mind, I want introduce you to an important concept; emotional responsiveness.  Once you know a bit more about it, I want you to consider whether you think being more emotionally responsive might have helped this couple….and if it might be helpful for you and your partner too.

There is a ton of fascinating  research that shows that our human need to find connection and responsiveness is literally wired into our brains. Check out how this baby responds in this experiment known as the ‘Still Face Experiment.’

Guess what, as adults our behaviour might look different, but we react when we cannot establish a connection with our most important person.  

Knowing this helps Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists see communication breakdown and conflict as a an attempt to have our need for secure connection met.

Rather than viewing either person as flawed or dysfunctional, and EFT therapist would understand this interaction through the lens of unmet attachment needs.

Because of this, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is different than skills training.  It allows couples to have new experiences of actually being there for each other in the therapy room and then apply this in real life rather than giving a list of skills to learn. 

If the ‘disastrous dinner’ couple could recognize that the hurtful exchange described above is a pattern that showed up in part because of a lack of emotional responsiveness, then they could view it differently.   They could revisit the conversation in a way that was more responsive and find new ways to be there for each other.  

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with a skilled therapist, helps couples slow down their conversations to explore underneath these reactive behaviours to learn more about their unmet needs and how they are playing out in the relationship. 

As Dr. Sue Johnson notes, what truly makes a relationship thrive is emotional responsiveness. 

I’m curious.  Are you in an emotionally responsive relationship?

Here is a quiz that she includes in her book, Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (which you should definitely read!).

If you want a clearer sense of how responsive you and your partner are towards each other, take the quiz and find out!  

Come back next week for part 2 of this blog series and find out more about how you and your partner can restore closeness and improve communication in your relationship. 

If after checking out this blog post you and your partner realize that you’d benefit from some help to improve the connection and communication in your relationship, let’s chat. You can book a free 15 minute consultation call online or call Tamar at (902) 702-7722 to book an appointment.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Marcy

 

Find out more about how we can work together. 

Your Next Steps:

Schedule Your Free Consultation Call
Book Your First Session

1600 Bedford Highway Suite 220, Bedford, NS B4A IE8, Canada I (902) 702-7722 I info@restorecounselling.ca
Office Hours: Mon/Tu/Wed/ & Fri 2pm-9pm Thursday 9am-5pm Saturday 9am-5pm
Reception Hours: Mon-Fri 9am - 5pm

As a private clinic, we’re unable to handle emergency situations. If you are in crisis, please call the Mental Health Mobile Crisis Team at 902-429-8167 / 1-888-429-8167 (Toll Free), 911 or attend your nearest emergency department.
Copyright 2021 © Restore. Renew. Revive | All Rights Reserved | Privacy & Terms | Website by Windrose Web Design

A Dozen Date Night Ideas To Build Connection In Your Relationship

A Dozen Date Night Ideas To Build Connection In Your Relationship

by | May 31, 2019 | Relationships

I get it; life is busy and it’s tough to find time for date nights with your partner, but what I know to be true after more than a decade of working with couples is that if you don’t work to build connection with your spouse, it will fade. 

It doesn’t always have to be a big deal and it doesn’t have to happen every week, but it’s important to make time for your partner – to find ways to build connection and keep things fresh and exciting. 

Whether you’ve been together for one year or 50 it’s always valuable to do something unique with your spouse so you have time together to bond and talk without a screen distracting you. 

It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and forget how fun simple dates can be.  So why not turn it up a notch and do something new once in awhile? 

Here are a dozen ideas to keep things fresh and build connection in your relationship. 

 

  1. Have a picnic – Remember how fun it can be to throw some snacks, a blanket and maybe some wine into a bag and search for a nice spot to just sit, hang out and talk? Whether you find a beach, a park or maybe even a hiking spot is up to you, but some place where you can have some alone time is recommended. Bonus points if you bring along a game such as crib or scrabble.

  2. Photography expedition – A personal favourite of ours – it’s just the best feeling to jump in the car and drive to a small town or two nearby and snap some photos. You can each take your own unique shots and compare after. Find a small town to explore and take photos of the people and things you find. Nova Scotia is full of picturesque spots. Terence Bay, Three Fathom Harbour, Wolfville, Advocate Harbour and Baddeck – just to name a few! This activity is a great way to connect and all you need is a tank of gas and your cameras.

     

  3. Take a class together – This is a great opportunity to pick an activity you both enjoy or want to learn together and get out once a week. Whether it’s a cooking class, a self-defence class, or an art class, there’s something for every couple and so much fun to be had. This is something that will take your mind off your responsibilities, and, if you are feeling disconnected in a relationship, learning something new together gives you a level playing field to spark that connection once again.

     

  4. Visit a city landmark/tourist attraction –  It could be Citadel Hill, The Nova Scotia Art Gallery, Peggy’s Cove or a tour on the Harbour Hopper, but visiting some of your city’s cool landmarks and tourist attractions are a fun way to not only get to know your partner more but your hometown more too. Learning, laughing and exploring together are a great way to stay connected in a relationship.

     

  5. Boardgames – If you struggle to stay away from talking only about your children or work during date nights, playing games is a great way to help you focus on the moment and connect with your spouse. Here is a link to why boardgames are a great date activity!

     

  6. Date Nights At Home – You don’t have to go out on the town to have a special time with your partner. Sometimes its most relaxing to set aside time to curl up on the couch together with snacks and a movie or even order in a late night dinner. Simple, yet effective. (It would be best, however, to leave those smart phones somewhere else in the house for those couple of hours! Your goal is to connect with each other during this time – not to keep connected with the rest of the world.)

     

  7. Watch a live sporting event – It’s one thing to watch sports on the television, but it’s a lot more fun to catch a baseball, basketball, football or hockey event live. You can get into the team spirit by dressing in your team’s colour and bond over your love for the game.

     

  8. Volunteer together – This is a great way to bond and also give back to the community. You could volunteer at the local animal rescue, the homeless shelter serving food or a nursing home. You will find yourself learning more about each other. It also feels good to give back.

     

  9. Try something new together – Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but just haven’t? It could be camping in the woods, whitewater rafting, horseback riding or kayaking – experiencing a new activity together is one of the best things you can do. It’s fun and you can bond over the experience.

     

  10. Rent bikes/explore your city – Some cities offer bike rentals and you can cycle around and explore together. If there are no bikes, just walk around and visit new stores you haven’t yet visited. It gives you a chance to talk, laugh and see new things.

     

  11. Stargaze – If you can drive a little bit out of the city with a blanket and some warm clothes, you can catch the sky and the stars together after the sun goes down. Nothing is more romantic than laying in each other’s arms and looking up into the star-filled sky. (Fun Fact: Do you know part of Southwest Nova Scotia has been designated as the first Starlight Tourism Destination in North America by the UNESCO-affiliated International Starlight Federation?)

     

  12. Go for a walk – Although all these ideas may sound great, maybe some weeks you just don’t have a couple hours to set aside for a date night. That’s okay. If you have a half hour, leave the home behind and go for a walk (or if you are ambitious… a run!) together. I find it’s a nice way to connect with my hubby, let go of the stress of the day and tune in to each other. All while enjoying mental, physical, and emotional health benefits!

If after checking out this blog post you realize you’d like to talk to someone about how to improve your relationship and build connection in your marriage/partnership, let’s connect.  You can book a session online or call Stephanie at (902) 702-7722 to book an appointment. You can also read more about the therapy for couples or for women who want to work on their relationships through individual counselling.

Find out more about how we can work together

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1600 Bedford Highway Suite 220, Bedford, NS B4A IE8, Canada I (902) 702-7722 I info@restorecounselling.ca
Office Hours: Mon/Tu/Wed/ & Fri 2pm-9pm Thursday 9am-5pm Saturday 9am-5pm
Reception Hours: Mon-Fri 9am - 5pm

As a private clinic, we’re unable to handle emergency situations. If you are in crisis, please call the Mental Health Mobile Crisis Team at 902-429-8167 / 1-888-429-8167 (Toll Free), 911 or attend your nearest emergency department.
Copyright 2021 © Restore. Renew. Revive | All Rights Reserved | Privacy & Terms | Website by Windrose Web Design

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