If you’ve landed on this page after searching “I want to leave but he wants couples counselling”, you are likely feeling confused, hurt, frustrated and lonely in your relationship.
Grappling with the difficult choice of whether to stay in a troubled relationship or leave, is not easy.
After all, when you got together, you had the intention of staying together.
Even though you know it’s cliche, you really did hope to live happily ever after.
Yet, despite all your hopes and dreams in the beginning, and all your good intentions now, there are days when it seems impossible to continue.
You’ve lived through too many battles and experienced so many unresolved hurts. It’s no wonder, at least intellectually, you’re considering moving on.
If you’re wrestling with thoughts of leaving your relationship, you’re not alone. A study of by The National Divorce Decision-Making Project that surveyed married individuals (ages 25-50) found that 1 in 4 (25%) survey participants reported some recent thoughts about divorce. Of those that had recently thought about divorce, 40% have spoken with their spouse about these thoughts.
Perhaps you are considering sharing these feelings with your partner or, maybe you’ve already made your thoughts known.
Either way, what’s clear is that they don’t agree with the decision to break up.
It’s not uncommon for me to get a call from a prospective client asking “I want to leave, he wants couples counselling. What should we do?”
In my experience, this question often arises after frustration, disconnection, and resentment have been building in the relationship for a long time. When things have felt hard for so long, it makes complete sense that one—or both—of you may feel skeptical or unsure about whether couples counselling.can actually help.
Even when hope feels limited, couples therapy can be helpful—if both partners are open to exploring the possibility of working on the relationship. However, there are situations where traditional couples or marriage counselling is not the right fit.
However, there are some situations when traditional marriage & couples counselling may not be helpfult:
- If one person is having an affair and does not want to leave their affair partner
- If one person is committed to separation/divorce and has their mind made up
- If one person is not willing to attend couples therapy. Attending therapy is not something you want to pressure or talk your partner into.
- If there is intimate partner violence and you don’t feel safe In these situations, couples therapy can feel frustrating, confusing, or even harmful rather than supportive.
Can couples therapy help us?
Research studies on the effect of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) consistently show that it decreases relationship distress. These improvements not only happen during therapy, but continue after therapy has concluded.
EFT is an evidence based therapy rooted in attachment science and neurobiology. Studies such as “Soothing The Threatened Brain” confirm, through the use of modern science, that therapy can help shape loving feelings between partners and change the way our brains respond to threat and pain.
Marriage counselling can help you;
- Identify behavioural patterns that are keeping you and your partner stuck
- Help each partner can gain new insights about their primary (softer) emotions and learn to communicate these in the relationship
- Resolve conflict effectively by first having you experience successful communication in session and showing you how to do it between sessions too
- Deepen your sense of empathy and connection with your partner as you begin to know them more fully
I Want to Leave and he Wants Couples Counselling.
You may not be 100% certain that separation is the right decision—but you are certain that you don’t want to attend couples counselling focused on repairing the relationship.
You’ve expressed your desire to leave, while your partner wants to try therapy.
Discernment Counselling is designed for you.
Unlike traditional couples counselling, which aims to rebuild the relationship, discernment counselling helps you and your partner slow down and engage in a structured series of conversations to determine what direction makes the most sense moving forward.
This process is especially helpful when one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in—meaning you do not share the same goals coming into therapy.
How does Discernment Counselling Help Me?
Discernment counselling helps both partners reflect on their individual contributions to the relationship and gain clarity about next steps. Sessions include time spent individually with the therapist as well as time together.
-If you are the leaning-in partner, you’ll learn ways to cope with the emotional strain of uncertainty while also reflecting on how you may have contributed to the relationship dynamics.
-If you are the leaning-out partner, the focus is on gaining clarity about the decision you’re considering—so that whatever choice you make feels thoughtful, informed, and aligned with your values.
After individual conversations, we meet together to discuss what each of you has learned and explore whether you’re ready to:
Move toward separation, or
Commit to a focused period of couples therapy (often six months)
Discernment counselling is a short-term process (typically up to five sessions). It is considered successful when both partners have a clearer understanding of what went wrong in the relationship and how they want to move forward.
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Will this help me decide if I want to leave?
Deciding whether to stay in a marriage or separate is complex and emotionally demanding. While individual therapy can help you sort through your own thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t include your partner’s perspective.
Discernment Counselling offers a structured, research-informed roadmap that helps both partners reflect more objectively, with emotional support throughout the process. is that there is a specific roadmap for the therapist to follow. It is a structured process that can help both of you look at your relationship and the decision you face more objectively It gives both of you emotional support through the process.
By the end of the Discernment Counselling sessions, you will have explored these 4 key questions;
-“What has happened to your marriage that has gotten you to the point where separation/divorce is a possibility?”
-“What have you done to try to fix these problems so that you didn’t get to this point? It might be things you tried individually, as a couple, or with outside help.”
-“What role, if any, do your children play in your decision making about the future of your marriage?”
– “What was the best of times in your relationship since you met? A time when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship.”
If you’re at this point in your relationship, chances are you didn’t arrive here quickly or lightly. Uncertainty usually grows over time, shaped by many small moments rather than one single event. Taking the time to slow down, reflect, and understand how you arrived here can be an important part of moving forward—regardless of what you ultimately decide.
If you’ve been struggling in your relationship and feeling unsure about what comes next, support can help you slow things down and gain clarity—without pressure to fix or decide before you’re ready.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation as a way to explore whether working together feels like a good fit and whether discernment counselling is the right next step for you. I am trained through the Doherty Relationship Institute as a Certified Discernment Counsellor and am certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).